Not Many Fathers

A Message for Father's Day

Father's Day is an interesting time. Historically, it's the least attended service of the year—often competing with Labor Day weekend. So thank you for actually showing up today. I want to encourage you dads and love on you a little bit. On Mother's Day we bless the moms; today we're blessing the dads.

One comedian put it this way: Mother's Day is the second most celebrated holiday in the world, right after Christmas. Father's Day? It ranks number 20. Halloween is number six—so ghosts and goblins rank higher than fathers. That's interesting.

What Paul Says About Fathers

Let me read from 1 Corinthians 4. Paul is writing about what it means to be a spiritual father. He talks about carrying the burden of all the churches daily—wondering how they're doing, caring for their welfare, protecting them, providing for them, and making sure there's a pathway forward.

"Already you have all you want. Already you have become rich. Without us you have become kings. And would that you did reign so that we might share the rule with you."

But then Paul describes the cost of apostolic leadership:

"I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death... We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong... To the present hour we hunger and thirst. We are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless... When we get reviled, we bless. When persecuted, we endure it. When slandered, we entreat... We have become the scum of the world."

But notice what he says next:

"I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as beloved children. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel."

And here's the key passage:

"You do not have many fathers. You have plenty of instructors. You have plenty of influencers. But you do not have many fathers."

The Heart of Real Leadership

Real leadership is not about self-exaltation. It's not about how great you are or how many people follow you. Real Christian leadership is pushing other people in front of you and making a better way for others.

The standard is this: "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." That's Christian leadership in its essence.

You've had many instructors—people who wanted to influence you, guide you, shape you. But how many have wanted to truly father you? To sacrifice for you, not for what you can do for them?

What Biblical Manhood Actually Looks Like

We hear a lot about what real manhood is supposed to be these days. Some of it sounds like this: wake up at 2 a.m., do a cold plunge, then a sauna, then a 30-mile hike with a rucksack, then write poetry. This standard is crushing men. It draws you toward everything but your family. It makes you feel valuable and powerful—like you're a cut above everybody else.

But Paul says, "Bodily exercise profits a little." You're putting all your eggs in the wrong basket.

Here's the truth: The world does not need more perfect men. The world needs fathers.

Part of what causes us so much trouble is this: we either fall into a super-modern, flimsy view of masculinity, or we fall into this machismo pit—and we never get to the heart of what a man actually is. There are so many uniquely different men in this room. Some like Marvel movies. Some work with their hands as mechanics. Some hike outdoors. Some work in offices.

If you don't hear anything else this morning, hear this: FATHERS ENGAGE. That's what manhood is. Fathers are people that engage.

How Men Are Made to Engage

Even our physiology reflects God's design. Men are geared to give. Women are built to receive—to feel safe, to feel good, to feel comfortable. And when fathers engage in different areas of life, things change.

When fathers engage, when fathers are willing to engage, things shift. Your marriage will shift. Every area of life will begin to shift.

I know some will hear this and think, "Well, what about when women engage?" Yes—women engage too, and often more so. For the last 50 years, more women have been involved in church than men. Women wanted to engage; men disengaged. And look at how our culture keeps slipping because people have disengaged.

The Word Picture of Father

The word "father" in ancient languages has a fascinating meaning. It's the strength of the house—the ox in the house. The strength and the leadership and the service, combined with the house, the family, the dwelling, the legacy.

Similarly, "son" means the strength that's still under the covering of the house, springing up from the house.

Jesus spoke to this in Mark 3. When people accused him of working through Satan, he said:

"No one can enter a strong man's house and plunder his goods unless he first binds the strong man."

Our culture has learned this: you don't have to bind someone physically. You can bind them emotionally. You can bind them through distractions. If you bind the strong man in the house and cause that man not to engage in something in that house, it will change that house.

Yes, authority is an uncomfortable word. But Jesus spoke about it in red. He's talking about strength, and he calls it authority. When we hear words like "authority" or "submission," we get uncomfortable. But submission deals with your attitude and the way you handle things—not blind obedience.

Why Men Disengage: The Power of Fear

Here's what I've discovered: the one thing that men brag about is the one thing that's actually deep in their soul—fear.

In the garden, when Adam ate the fruit, God asked, "Adam, where are you?" Not Eve. Adam. And Adam said, "I was afraid."

Fear causes you to withdraw.

Fear of failure. Some of you are so afraid to fail that you stop engaging in certain areas entirely.

Fear of inadequacy. "I'm not enough." I meet with couples doing premarital counseling, and the number one thing that comes up is this: "I'm afraid I'm not enough for her. I'm afraid I'm not going to provide. I don't know where we're going to live."

These big, tough guys come in and say, "I'm afraid I'm not enough," and no matter how many cold plunges or saunas or morning runs they do, they still feel inadequate.

Fear spiritually. Men feel inadequate when it comes to church. When worship comes, they don't know how to engage. They worry their prayer won't be as good as someone else's. They feel like they're going to let people down.

You know what men really don't want to do? Let you down. They want you to be able to look back and say, "Thank you. You didn't let us down."

The Garden and Our Failure

Let's look at what actually happened in Genesis. Eve eats the fruit first, right? And then what happens? Nothing. Zilch. Nothing happens.

Then she presents it to her husband. God gave the command not to eat from that tree to Adam. Eve was under his protection and covering. He should have said no. But Adam didn't engage. Adam disengaged.

Then when God asked what happened, Adam blamed Eve: "It's the woman that you gave me." He blame-shifted. He put it back on God.

But here's the thing: God didn't blame Eve. Look at Romans and Hebrews:

"If through Adam's sin everyone was born into sin, how much more will everyone receive the free gift of righteousness through the righteous Son, Jesus Christ?"

He's called the second Adam. Adam hid, but Jesus engaged.

Jesus—The Better Adam

There was one perfect man. His name is Jesus Christ. Adam retreated and blamed his wife. Jesus moved toward us in love. He moved toward the broken. He moved toward the suffering. He moved toward the cross.

The cross was the ultimate manly move for all of eternity. As the better Adam, to say, "I'm going to carry the weight of the sins of the world."

Every mistake you've made, every failure—guess what? You're far worse than you thought. But here's the beautiful part: you're far more loved than you could possibly imagine.

If you feel like you've failed, like you don't want to engage again—let me encourage you. Step out in faith. God will meet you there. He's not looking for perfection. He's just looking for you to be present.

You don't need to know how to do everything. He just wants you there as his ambassador so he can move into that area, because he's ordained you with the authority to carry things out.

Three Challenges

So men, here are three things I want to challenge you with:

First, may you engage. Find the courage to engage. Find a community that allows you to engage in a new way.

Second, use your voice to speak life. Speak life over everyone around you. Don't just be a disciplinarian—be an encourager. Use your words to build up your families and marriages. If you have children, call out the potential God has placed in them. Before they can even see it in faith, call it out in boldness.

Third, feel God's love so deeply that you can love sacrificially. Like Paul said, may our lives as men be poured out like a drink offering—sacrificially, for those around us, so that God's glory might shine in our city once again.

A Personal Word

I'm 48 years old, and I can tell you: I've had almost zero people really mentor me. I got into discipleship—a crazy bunch of things—and most people didn't even know why they were there. I started Bible studies, stayed up reading late, shared the gospel, moved into leadership. Then I planted a church in New York. That was the "school of hard knocks." I kept learning, kept reading, kept listening to podcasts.

But one day I looked up and realized: I haven't had many fathers. I haven't had many people who cared about me—not what I could do for them, but who cared about my future, not my production.

As fathers, you are loved beyond your production. God loves you beyond your production.

The Call

So men, where have you disengaged? Where have you made the choice not to engage when God is asking you to engage?

Second, acknowledge that you have areas of strength, but other areas are atrophied because you're unwilling to engage. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit, "Show me the area where I'm disengaging right now. And because of my lack of engagement, what's it costing my family? What's it costing my marriage? What's it costing my kids? What's it costing my dream?"

Let me alleviate the pressure: there was one perfect man. His name is Jesus Christ. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to engage.

Closing

Your families need you. The world needs you. This neighborhood needs you. This church needs you. You are welcome here. Don't feel intimidated. You don't have to figure everything out. Your presence is needed. Your voice is needed.

Engage because you've had many experts in your life. You've had many influencers telling you all kinds of things. But not many fathers.

We need you. We need you in your families.