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Five Relationship Rules Series
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Relationships are complicated. The person you marry isn't always going to be the person you marry—they're going to change, they're going to grow. And we have to make a choice: are we going to change and grow and go on the journey with them, or are we going to be frustrated and angry and allow that to carry us further apart?
Another reason relationships are hard is that the thing that attracts you to people also becomes the thing that drives you insane. When you were dating, maybe you loved that he listens so well—strong, quiet, emotionally contained. Now, years later, it's driving you crazy because all he does is listen. He doesn't talk. He doesn't share his emotions.
Or you fell in love with her because she's the life of the party—carefree, fun, bringing the energy. But now she's so unorganized, so chaotic, with no plan. The very thing we love them for can later become the thing that drives us crazy.
Statistics about marriage in our culture are sobering. The average age of first marriage is now around 30 years old—in 1950 it was 20. Only 47% of households are led by someone who is married, down from more than 70%. Forty percent of first-time marriages end in divorce. Experts project that one in three people will never marry in their lifetime.
A lot of people are asking: Is marriage even worth it? It costs a lot. It takes a lot of effort. People change. Is it even worth it?
I want to make a case for the validity and importance of marriage from a biblical standpoint. As a follower of Jesus, you realize that marriage isn't just something that happens at a courthouse. It's not just a civil stamp. It's a covenant people make before God, and it's a picture of God's love for us. The metaphor of marriage is what we see again and again in the Bible to represent God's love for us.
Let's go back to Genesis 2. God creates again and again and again, and each time he says, "It is good." Then he creates man in his own image and likeness, and for the first time God says, "It is not good." It is not good that man should be alone.
So God puts Adam in a deep sleep, takes a rib from his side, and creates woman. When Adam wakes up and sees her for the very first time, here's what he says:
At last! This one is bone from my bone, flesh from my flesh. She will be called woman because she was taken from man. (Genesis 2:23)
This is the first time poetry breaks out in the Bible—in the second chapter! In the original Hebrew, the word for man is ish, and the word for woman is isha. It's like Adam is saying, "We're going to call her Isha"—something new in the garden.
Then comes the biblical framework for marriage:
This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united as one. (Genesis 2:24)
Oneness is the goal. There's a leaving aspect—the parent-child relationship loosens. There's a cleaving aspect—the two are united physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing. A marriage with God as your foundation can be transforming, can be life-changing. It can make you very happy. And I promise you, if you allow it, it will also make you holy.
What do I mean? Marriage will challenge you to be less selfish, less focused on yourself. You have to be concerned about others. You can't just live in your own world. You have to navigate life with other people. In that sense, it can make you holy.
When you look to the Bible, that's why marriage is held up as a high standard. Not that everybody should be married, but that if you're going to get married, don't just view it as an exchange of paper or some commitment off to the side. This is a covenant relationship between you and God.
If you're going to be in a marriage with somebody for a long time, you're going to have to become an expert at forgiveness, an expert at showing grace. You're going to have to get out of yourself and serve one another, because that's what it takes to stay together in a happy marriage.
But what do you do when you start to grow apart? What do you do when you stop showing each other grace? What do you do when things start breaking down?
This is a question that's been debated for thousands of years. In Jesus' day, there were different views. One group said you could only get a divorce for sexual immorality. Another group said you could get a divorce for anything—if she burned the toast, you could divorce her.
Jesus addresses this in the Sermon on the Mount:
You have heard that the law says, "A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce." But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32)
Jesus is using metaphor and hyperbole to shock people. I believe he's saying that divorce and remarriage signify the breaking of the relationship and the violation of faithfulness. When do you have biblical grounds for divorce? Jesus gives us one: sexual immorality or cheating. Paul later says that if an unbelieving spouse abandons you, that gives grounds for divorce.
From a pastoral perspective, having walked with countless families through real pain and difficulty, I think we might also consider:
There are people with legitimate biblical grounds for divorce who have chosen to forgive, heal, and do the hard work—and they've had very happy lives. There are others who didn't have clear grounds but their marriage didn't work out.
Life is hard and complicated and difficult. Our role as followers of Jesus is to be less concerned about pointing fingers and more concerned about how we can help people heal and move forward.
God says this:
I hate divorce. (Malachi 2:16)
But this can be misinterpreted. I think we all agree with God—even people who've been through divorce hate what divorce does. We hate the pain, the tearing apart of a family. But God doesn't say, "I hate divorced people." God loves divorced people. God loves to give second chances. He loves to restore what's been lost. He loves to forgive and to help and to give people hope again.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)
When you're hurting, God is right there beside you. You're not your biggest mistake. You're not your breakup. You're not your divorce. Your life isn't over. You're a child of the living God, made in his image, forgiven by what Jesus Christ did for you. You are worthy of his love. You're worthy of others' love, respect, commitment, and faithfulness. You are precious in God's sight.
We want to be the kind of church community that doesn't judge but offers grace. Maybe just a little less judgment and a little more grace and acknowledgment that we're here for you. We want to pray for you. We want to help you. We want to walk with you.
If your relationship or marriage is struggling, let me tell you what every pastor, counselor, and therapist says behind the scenes: Usually when people reach out for help, it's years after they should have. By the time people come to a counselor, it's almost irreparable.
Don't wait that long. Get the help you need. Take a marriage course. Go on a marriage retreat. Read a marriage book together. Get help before it keeps going down that road.
Dr. John Gottman, a pioneer in the scientific study of marriage, found that he could listen to a couple talk for 15-20 minutes and predict with 90% accuracy whether they would divorce or stay married. He looked for "the four horsemen": contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
Instead, here are four ways to fight for your marriage:
Instead of disdain or contempt, show honor to one another. How can you honor your spouse? What does your wife love to do? When's the last time you thought about doing something special for her? When's the last time you really honored her with your attention, your time, your care?
The best gift you can give your family and your church is a healthy marriage. Stop and realize how you can honor your spouse. How can you show them love? How can you communicate your care for them?
When you're in a relationship for a long time, we start to think people will rise to the level of our criticism. But your partner probably isn't going to rise to the level of your criticism. They might rise to the level of your encouragement.
Instead of saying, "Why are you always late?" say, "Thank you for working so hard."
Instead of, "Stop obsessing about the kids," say, "I love how great you are at caring for our kids and watching out for their needs."
Instead of, "Why can't you make up your mind?" say, "I love how flexible you are."
People respond to encouragement way more than criticism. You tend to raise up what you praise. When it comes to marriage and dating, it's so easy to focus on the negative. But focus on encouraging one another.
Dr. Gottman found that defensiveness was a huge problem in relationships. It's easy to get defensive and slip into "lawyer mode," wanting to defend yourself.
But the Bible challenges us: Quick to listen, slow to speak. Give some attention to listening and asking questions. Try to be less defensive and try to learn more.
Gottman found it wasn't so much how couples fought that predicted their future—it was whether they were willing to lean into one another in their lives.
Some couples fight loudly but then make up intensely and stay together. Other couples don't fight loud but gradually withdraw and pull back. The key thing is not how you fight, but whether you're willing to lean in or start leaning out.
When you lean out, you stop talking about your dreams. You stop talking about your future. You stop talking about where you're headed. Before you know it, you have less and less in common until you have nothing in common at all.
Lean in rather than leaning out. Remember: If you lost your car keys, you'd go back to where you last saw them. When did you feel like you were in love? When did things feel good? What were you doing then?
Go back and find your car keys. Honor one another. Lean in. Listen together. Communicate again. Sometimes it's the simple things: holding hands, sending a text, going for a walk, having a conversation. Just simple things that can help us come back together.
My daughter Emma got married recently. As I walked her down the aisle, I had a flashback. I remembered when we brought her home from the hospital. It was snowing in Amarillo, Texas. I was outside freezing, trying to figure out how to get the car seat in because when you bring your first baby home, you're afraid everything has to be perfect or they'll break.
I remember driving home with all these questions: What kind of dad am I going to be? God, help me be a good parent. I remember the anxiety, and then thinking about how someday I'd have to pay for college, for a wedding.
And as I stood there in the wedding, about to walk her down the aisle, that day I remembered came flooding back. I just started crying. It was gratitude, but also: wow, time flies. And here we are.
Here's what I know: Emma and Christian love each other. They love God. They're in a great spot. But I know they're going to both have to become experts at forgiveness. I know that the people they're marrying right now are going to change, and they're going to have to make the decision to change and grow with them.
I know that the things that attracted them to each other are someday going to be the things that drive them crazy about each other.
But I also know that God is bigger than all of that. He can do a work in our lives and help us not only find joy in a marriage or in a relationship but to find a sense of holiness that happens in our lives as we follow him.
