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Part 3 of 4
Dealing with Strife
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Jesus taught His disciples a fundamental truth about life in this world. In Luke 17:1, He said, "It is impossible that no offenses should come." This isn't a pessimistic outlook—it's reality. Offenses aren't a question of if but when. Just as recurring problems require recurring solutions, recurring offenses require recurring forgiveness.
The Bible tells us in Luke 17:3-4: "If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him."
This passage reveals something critical: the reoccurring solution for recurring offense is forgiveness.
Unforgiveness is a spiritual and mental toxic state. When we hold onto unforgiveness, we remain stuck in pain, hurt, regrets, and disappointment. This leads inevitably to bitterness, resentment, and anger.
Unforgiveness looks like:
When children are young, they forgive easily. A child can be pushed down, cry in pain, and two hours later be playing with the same person again. But as we grow older and more self-aware, our capacity to hold grudges increases. We become experts at unforgiveness.
The troubling part? Nobody teaches us to hold grudges—it comes naturally. And as adults, we often celebrate people who hold grudges well, who "clap back" and seek revenge. We admire their toughness, not realizing we're admiring a spiritual weakness.
In Matthew 18, Jesus told of a king who forgave a servant an enormous debt. That servant then found another servant who owed him a small amount and had him thrown into jail. When the king discovered this, he was furious and said, "Should you not have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?"
Unforgiveness is a decision you make that keeps you stuck to the event of the offense. You can grow from age fifteen to age fifty-five and still be stuck in the hurt of your fifteen-year-old self. It's a conscious decision that becomes an unconscious imprisonment.
I remember being insulted by my aunt when I was about eleven years old at boarding school. She said something that cut deeply to my already insecure heart. From that moment, I decided to avoid her. I wouldn't talk to her or her family. By the time I realized what had happened, I was in my twenties—and I had lost ten years of relationship with her over a decision I made as a child. She didn't know anything about me, and I didn't care to know anything about her. That was a conscious decision that became an unconscious incarceration.
Imagine your heart like a closet. If it's full of old clothes you no longer wear, there's no room for new clothes. God told Joshua in Joshua 3:5, "Sanctify yourselves"—which means to empty out and remove things that are not necessary for the journey ahead.
Most of us are so stuffed up with offenses that we cannot move into a new season. Your bags are packed for where you are, not where you're going. That unforgiveness you're holding onto is keeping you in the season of life you're currently in.
If you want to move to the next place, you have to pack for where God is taking you. That means looking through your heart and asking: What do I need to get rid of? Who do I need to forgive? What offense do I need to move away from?
Forgiveness unlocks God's next for you.
You are only as mature as the last person you forgave. God uses offense as an examination. He will send people to offend you to see if you will pass the test.
When God wants to give you a promotion, He doesn't just hand it to you. He tests you first. He might send someone who will one day work under your supervision to offend you—to see how you handle it. He might allow rumors to start—to see if you'll respond with integrity.
Look at David: he had to overcome offense after offense before he could become king. Joseph had to overcome his brothers throwing him in a pit, Potiphar's wife falsely accusing him, and the butler forgetting him for two years. If you can pass the test of offense and forgive, God will take you to a new place.
The ultimate goal is to become unoffendable—not like a punk who lets people walk over him, but like someone whose heart is so secure in God that nothing can poison it. You can be upset. You can confront someone. You can say, "What you did is wrong, and if you try it again, there will be consequences." But when you turn around from that conversation, you're done. You're not replaying it in your mind. If you see them on the side of the road with a flat tire, you'll help them.
No matter where they abused you, the target was your heart.
The Bible says, "Guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life." The enemy will use every weapon he has to poison your heart so you stay stuck in offense. That's why you must regularly—not just once a year, but regularly—do some spring cleaning in your heart. Ask yourself: Who am I not at peace with? Who do I feel some kind of way about? Deal with it so you can move forward with what God has for you.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for another person to die.
When you're in unforgiveness, you're the one with sleepless nights. You're the one living a restless life. You're the one with high blood pressure, diabetes, and stress. The worst part? Sometimes you meet the person who offended you and they can't even remember what they did.
I knew an aunt who was married to one of my favorite uncles. He used to take us shopping, spoil us with gifts—he was an amazing uncle. But she and I had a conflict, and I cut off my uncle to punish her. For ten years, I held that grudge. Do you know what it cost me? All those gifts, that love, that relationship. My unforgiveness didn't hurt her—it hurt me.
Unforgiveness is not a spirit; it's a boomerang you throw at someone that comes back and hits you. Most of the time, they don't even know. They've moved on. Meanwhile, you're suffering.
Don't let yourself be poisoned by unforgiveness. God will not trust you with new relationships if He sees you're still offended by old ones. If your heart is poisoned by past hurts, you cannot have a healthy new relationship. You'll see the new person through the lens of your old offense, and you'll be triggered constantly.
There are two Greek words for forgiveness in the New Testament, and they're separated by the death, crucifixion, and resurrection of Christ. Understanding both is essential.
In Matthew 6:12, Jesus taught us to pray: "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." The Greek word here means to send away, to dismiss, to let go.
This word means:
In this system of forgiveness, there's a sin-justice cycle: Someone wrongs you, and now you must decide what to do. Will you have mercy? Will you seek revenge? Will you humiliate them the way they humiliated you?
Qualities of mercy forgiveness:
It introduces a creditor-debtor-judge system. You hurt me, so now you owe me. You owe me an explanation. You owe me an apology. You're at my mercy. I decide whether to hold this grudge, tell others to avoid you, or let you go.
It introduces hierarchy. I now have the moral high ground because you've offended me. I'm better than you. For things to be even, either you must apologize or I must come down to your level and seek revenge.
It can become revenge disguised as forgiveness. Someone humiliates you in public, then texts you an apology. But instead of truly forgiving, you screenshot it and post it publicly to humiliate them back. We call this forgiveness, but it's actually revenge.
It's offender-centric. You're watching to see how genuine their apology is. You're analyzing whether they truly understand what they did. But the offense might start as an emotion; it quickly becomes a spiritual stronghold.
The Bible says in Matthew 5:7, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." Mercy forgiveness isn't wrong. But it has a limitation: it can blind us to a deeper, more powerful way to forgive.
After Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection, God changed His system of forgiveness. In Colossians 3:13, Paul wrote: "Be gentle and forbearing with one another, and if one has a grievance or complaint against another, readily pardon each other even as the Lord has freely forgiven you. So you must also forgive."
The phrase "even as" means "according to" or "in the proportion that." Your standard for forgiving others should be God's standard for forgiving you.
The Greek word here means to give graciously, to grant a favor, to bestow a gift. Grace is unmerited favor—something that brings joy. In Romans 8:32, Paul uses the same word: "He who did not withhold His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not freely and graciously give us all things?"
Grace means giving before they deserve it. Grace means you don't wait for their performance to forgive.
This is radical. The Bible is saying: Your co-worker says something horrible about you, and the Bible commands you to bestow upon them the grace of forgiveness—a right they haven't earned.
Qualies of grace forgiveness:
It assumes mercy has already been extended. In mercy forgiveness, you choose between mercy and punishment. In grace forgiveness, mercy is already assumed. The throne of God is a throne of grace, but you can't access grace without first obtaining mercy. Mercy makes Grace available.
It recognizes that you also need forgiveness. Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." You were offensive to God. He owed you nothing, yet He made provision for you while you were still offending Him.
Think about this: If your child came at you biting, kicking, scratching, and you just rubbed your head thinking, "You're just a child," you understand a fraction of how God sees you. While you were actively offending Him, He forgave you. That's your standard.
It makes allowance for the faults of others. In Colossians 3:13 (NLT), Paul says: "Make allowance for each other's faults."
When you budget money, you make allowance for different expenses. You might allocate $5,000 a week: $2,500 for rent, $500 for food, and set aside the rest for emergencies. You haven't spent it yet, but you've prepared for it.
The Bible is saying to make an emotional budget for people's offenses. Wake up in the morning with the emotional capacity to absorb offense. Don't go into your day emotionally bankrupt, saying, "This is their last chance." That's not long-suffering; that's being emotionally broke.
Before God even sends new people into your life—new friends, a new spouse, a new colleague—you need to have made allowance for their faults. If your heart is too full of old offenses, there's no room for the people God wants to bring into your life.
It's me-centric, not them-centric. The Greek word for forgive in grace forgiveness is a middle verb. In ancient Greek, a middle verb means you're acting on yourself. When you forgive with grace, you're doing yourself a favor. It's not about them; it's about you being free.
I'd rather be a free punk than an incarcerated champion. I'd rather look like I lost the argument if it means I'm free for all that God has for me. Most of you are 10 years behind God's schedule because the last time you forgave was 10 years ago, and you're still pegged there.
Jesus is the model of grace forgiveness. When He was hanging on the cross—whipped, tortured, crowned with thorns, pierced, given vinegar when He asked for water—He said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
He understood their offense completely. But He said, "Let them go. I'm making allowance for their faults because I want to resurrect. I don't want the reason I'm stuck in this grave to be because I'm holding unforgiveness."
God is asking you: How badly do you want to come alive? How badly do you want everything God has for you? Because as long as you're holding unforgiveness, you're stuck. The moment you forgive—truly forgive, with grace—you break free.
Forgiveness isn't a one-time event. Every time you remember the offense, you have to forgive again. But this is doable. This is livable. This is the way of Jesus.
So I'm asking you today: Will you forgive? Will you make allowance for people's faults? Will you be free?
If that's you, stand to your feet. Let's stand together.
