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Forgiveness Over Revenge
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Last week we began exploring Matthew 18 and how Jesus teaches us to walk in forgiveness and community. Today, we're going back to examine the verses that come before the parable of the unforgiving servant—Matthew 18:6 through 17—because this entire chapter is essentially one message from Jesus about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is one of the most painful lessons you'll ever learn. I've walked through it more times than I can count. But the real goal isn't just to forgive—it's to forgive without letting it damage your heart and your capacity to love.
For some of you, that's the biggest struggle. When you've been hurt repeatedly and you don't protect your heart, you start looking at the world through a lens called brokenness. You walk into church asking, "I wonder who's phony in here." You go into family meetings trying to figure out who's lying immediately. That's not what God wants for us.
If you say you forgave, but you can't love anymore, then the enemy still won. God wants us to grow like Jesus, and growing like Jesus means we have to keep loving like Jesus.
Matthew 18:6 says:
"But if you cause one of these little ones who trust in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea."
Jesus is teaching this message and he does something intentional. Scholars tell us he grabbed a small child and brought them into the middle of his sermon—into the circle where everyone could see. He does this on purpose.
When he says, "One of these little ones," he's saying: You may not realize it, you're damaging somebody that you think is insignificant, but God will fight for them. God will fight for the little ones.
Parents always talk about how kids must honor their parents, but what they don't talk about is how God will punish the parent for damaging the child. We talk often about honoring the anointed ones, but we have to also be careful that the anointed ones don't dishonor the little ones—the ones God is telling us to protect.
The word Jesus uses here is the Greek word scandalizo—where we get our English word "scandalize." It doesn't just mean to hurt someone's feelings. It literally means to place a stumbling block, causing someone to sin, fall, or abandon their faith.
I'm not talking about someone saying something you didn't like. I'm talking about moving in such a way that it damaged somebody internally. Let me give you some examples I've seen happen in churches:
Abusing spiritual authority. I grew up in churches where pastors could talk to you any kind of way. "Shut up. The Lord told me to tell you..." You're disrespecting people, and it's as if because God gave you authority, you think you can abuse people with your words. But Jesus said, "When you do that, it's better that a millstone be tied around your neck." God is not okay with leaders abusing those they're supposed to be covering.
Teaching false doctrine. We have people right now telling others that certain sinful lifestyles are okay. Teaching doctrines that make them feel like they can sin all they want and still get into heaven. Jesus said it's better that a millstone be tied around your neck.
Hypocrisy that destroys faith. You preach Jesus, but when people see your private lifestyle, it's so destructive that it makes them stop believing in Jesus altogether. That kind of hypocrisy can make people run away from the church. Jesus said, "If you make somebody run away from me, it's better that a millstone be tied around your neck than for me to get my hands on you."
Exploiting weak believers. Everybody now is a "spiritual mother" or "spiritual father." "Well, you got to sow into me for me to be able to pour into you." Since when did every person who pours need people to sow into them? That's exploitation. That's using position to get earthly goods out of people's hands. Jesus is saying, "You made somebody stumble. I got a problem with that."
The word scandalizo is loaded with meaning. It also represents the trigger of a trap—like a mousetrap or squirrel trap. It's the mechanism that makes the trap close.
So Jesus is talking to both the offender and the offended one. Why? Because offense is still a choice. A person can do you wrong, but you don't have to let that wrong break you. You don't have to take that bait of the enemy. You can say, "I'm going to leave you in the hands of God and let God deal with you."
Do you realize what Jesus said at the end of that quote? He says, "It's better than a millstone." Do you know a millstone was several hundred pounds? The only way to move it was to tie a mule or donkey to it. It couldn't move quickly because the weight was so heavy.
He says: It's better that that weight be tied around your neck and that they take you into the middle of the ocean and drop you in the depths while you're sinking to the bottom trying to break free, but you can't. Losing breath while feeling life slip away from you.
Jesus says, "It's better that that happens than for God to get his hands on you for what you did to people."
We can't even clap for that because we only hear about the mercy and grace of God. But Jesus is saying: God's mercy and grace is real, but when you start damaging people, God turns into another side. There's another side of God.
Now we understand why Jesus, when he was on the cross, said: "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing."
I realized it wasn't just mercy—it was fear for their future. He knew that God is not a man that he should lie. Neither the Son of Man that he should repent. If God was getting ready to get them, it would have been better that they died than for God's hands to get on them.
Jesus said, "Lord, please show them mercy. I don't want that to happen to them. They don't know."
This is why mature believers pray for mercy when people hurt them. We're not sitting in the room waiting for God to get them back. We pray mercy. Why? Because we know if the recompense of God actually hits them, there's no way they can survive. We pray mercy because we know we needed mercy too.
And think about it: if God got you for everybody that you hurt, you should have been drowned.
Matthew 18:7 says: "What sorrow awaits the world because it tempts people to sin. Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting."
We live in a world where people think it's funny to entice people into lust and sin. "Well, it's your eyes you got to control." But Jesus says, "Woe to the person who does the tempting."
Do you know what "woe" means in the original Greek? It's the harshest judgment. Woe means there is no help for you. There are no words if God were to recompense you. Woe means the final judgment. There is no jury that can get you out of there. There is no appeal.
When he says "Woe to you," he's saying: When God gets to you, you are going to be in trouble that no other false god can get you out of.
The Jesus that's always defending and speaking mercy—why is he so aggressive right now? Because Jesus fiercely protects people. Not ministries, not buildings, not titles, not pride, not ego, not your gift, not your anointing. He protects people.
When you damage people, you are already outside the will of God. Isn't it crazy that we can go to church every Sunday and be outside the will of God because we keep damaging people?
Some Christians say, "I don't care about people. I'm not worried about people. It's just between me and God." That's crazy, because Jesus cared about people. Every apostle cared about people. Every disciple cared about people.
How can you be like Jesus and not care about people? If you're called, you're called to people. If you pray, you pray for people. If you serve, you serve people. You have to care about people.
Jesus lays out a process for how we protect the brotherhood, the covenant, and the unity of the church. There's a scriptural way to process offense.
Matthew 18:15 says:
"If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense."
This scripture shows us three essential things:
First, own the impact of what you feel. If someone sins against you, you have to own that it actually hurt you. Pretending you're not hurt doesn't make you spiritually mature—it makes you emotionally disconnected.
You can't say, "Man, I ain't here for nobody. I'm just coming here to get my word and get up out of here." Why do you talk like that? Because you got hurt so many times and you never addressed it. You decided, "I'll stop dealing with people altogether."
Second, don't be afraid to show your scars. If I got hurt by something, if something damaged me, and I had to spend time healing, I don't have to come and say, "That never bothered me. I never cared." Yes, you did. That's why you switched churches. That's why you didn't text them back. That's why you didn't show up to the get-together for three months—because you were hurt.
Stop lying. Scars are necessary. Scars are proof that what the enemy tried didn't end you. The injury didn't take your life.
Why did the resurrected Jesus, who could have showed up in any glory, show up in front of Thomas and say, "Look at the holes in my hands and look at my feet"? Why? "I'm using my scars to bring you back into faith. I'm using what I went through, what was supposed to kill me but couldn't kill me, to bring you back to the place of freedom."
Using pain isn't a bad thing. Pain is a terrible teacher, but an excellent classroom. I'm not using my pain as motivation for what I'm doing, but I do see pain as a classroom. When I sit with it, I realize what affected me, how it affected me, and how do I protect myself in the future.
Third, private confrontation keeps it from damaging others. You go to that person privately—not after you already told your friends. Not after you already went to somebody saying, "I just want to see if I'm tripping."
If you want to see if you're tripping, go to the person. Go to them privately. Privately means before and after.
What does "before" mean? Please do not come to me with a group right away, because if you come to me with a group, I think I'm being attacked. And if I think I'm being attacked, I know how to fight.
Don't go to a group afterwards either, saying, "Yeah, I had to go talk to them and put them in their place." That messiness is still living on the inside of you—the thing that needs to be sanctified out of you.
When I go to the person privately, I actually care about restoring the relationship. I go to the person saying, "Hey, maybe you don't even realize what you said hurt me, but I just wanted to share with you." I didn't tell nobody else because I'm not interested in building a case against you. I care more about restoring the brotherhood and sisterhood.
This is not just for church—this is also for your family. Before you start venting to the family about what mom did or what auntie did, go to the person. "I'm not going to talk to them about you. I'm coming to you about you. I'm bothered by what you did and I wanted to address it with you because it's the only way to protect the family."
He says: "If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back."
Here's a big caveat: "If they listen..." We know that some people just aren't going to listen. Some people won't confess. But he says, "If they listen, you've won that person back."
Look at the beauty of this: It didn't say you won the argument. It said you won the person.
That's the reason why you feel like you got to keep cutting people off and you can't keep friendships and you can't keep the family connected—because you're so focused on winning the argument that you can't win the person.
When you're focused on winning the argument, you will damage the person to win the argument. But when you're focused on winning the person, you'll drop the argument for the sake of the person. That means my ego, my pride, and my agenda have to get out of the way because I cannot win you back while also trying to tear you down.
If I love you and I'm trying to protect the brotherhood, I put the argument down. I ain't even tripping. I just wanted you to know how I felt so we could repair whatever was broken.
My goal is to make us spiritually mature. I feel God so heavily on this: you damage all of your relationships because you're so focused on winning the argument. That's why the sisterhood can't stay close. The brotherhood can't stay together. The marriage can't have peace.
What does it matter if I win the argument and I lose the person? Are you that prideful? That sitting alone with one argument feels better than actually restoring the relationship that was in jeopardy?
Love that person enough to say: "Hey, bro. This argument ain't worth our friendship." "Sister, this argument isn't worth the family not coming together."
Sometimes one argument will show how much people have always hated you. It took one argument for you to say you can't stand my guts and I've been ashy since the third grade. It took one argument. You've been waiting for that ashy comment for the last 23 years.
Arguments make us respond crazy. We have to fight for the unity.
Please hear me: You cannot just run away every time.
Some of you, that's the first thing you do. "I'm not coming back around the family." Come on, y'all. One argument. "I'm not going back to that church because one person who was a greeter said something I didn't like. Oh, I got to move. I've been waiting to get out of Milwaukee. You all in Houston because you had one friendship break up."
Houston don't want you. They're like, "Go back to Milwaukee. We got enough problems here."
It's impossible to have unresolved pain living in you and not become the source of pain in someone else's life. All you're going to do is bring that pain with you to another city, to another family, to another relationship. Why? Because you keep running away while bleeding, and this is the worst thing we do.
We expect somebody else to make the bleeding stop. "I'll trust again when I find a worthy person." You'll never find one. Why? Because your blood will stain them.
When I've been wounded in certain environments, I've learned that God will use the same kind of environment—not the exact situation, but the same kind—to heal me.
Whenever you've been injured in a certain dynamic, it's going to take you being in that same dynamic for healing to come.
If you were injured in a relationship, maybe through a breakup or divorce, and you think, "I'm going to go away and have my healing season," that's good, but you can only heal partially in your singleness. Why? Because you weren't injured single. You were injured in love. So you won't see the rest of your healing happen till you let somebody else back in, till you love again, trust again, and be open again. You're going to start realizing, "Whoa, there's still some more healing I got to do."
You got to go back to the same kind of environment to be completely restored.
If you were injured by church or pastoral leadership hurt, you can't leave the church and just think, "I'll heal away from it." Every time somebody says "church," something happens inside of you because you remember the affliction and the pain.
What God wants to do is not tell you to leave church altogether, but bring you into a healthy church environment with leaders and people that love on you and pour into you. Then you're reminded: "What I experienced was not my destiny. What I experienced wasn't God at all. This is what healing is supposed to feel like and be like."
God brings you into the same type of environment—but this time, it's healthy.
Jesus is talking about forgiveness, and I want to make something very clear: Forgiveness does not eliminate healthy confrontation. It changes the spirit in which we confront.
I want to set somebody free because some of y'all think forgiveness means God's asking you to be a doormat. Some of y'all think forgiveness means you just got to go around the family letting them talk to you any kind of way and you just deal with it. Some of y'all think forgiveness means people can damage you and cut you and that you're Christ-like if you're silent.
I want to be very honest with you: Jesus was only silent one day before he died. Every other time he spoke up. Being a Christian does not mean being weak. It means being meek—knowing when to use your voice, knowing when to stand up for something. I'm far from a pushover. You can't even push me down.
Matthew 18:16 says: "But if you are unsuccessful... Take one or two others with you, and go back again. So that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses."
So you went to them one-on-one. It didn't work. You tried to call it out, but it turned into an argument. What do you do now?
He says, "Go back to them. Not go to social media and make a post. I tried to talk to them and they so phony." Not go to others to drag their name. "Well, I tried to go to them and they tripping, so now you go to the family group chat or the friend circle and you start dragging the person because they didn't agree with you."
And it also didn't say go straight to church leadership. "Pastor, they need to be set down. Why? Because they didn't agree with me." If you think a person who doesn't agree with you needs to be set down, that means you really think you're Jesus. And please, not today. I don't have time for it.
It says we go back to them. "Well, Pastor, I'm just tired of being heard. I'm tired of it being messy. When I go to them, I know what kind of person they are, and I know it's going to be an argument. So what am I supposed to do?"
Obey God anyway.
"What do you mean? It's going to be uncomfortable." He didn't say, "I'm looking for you to be comfortable. I'm looking for you to be obedient." Their environment should not change your obedience. You find a better way to be obedient in the environment.
If you live in Wisconsin, you know what I'm talking about. The potholes don't get better no matter how many times they do the road. They do the road every single summer. When they come back the next summer, the pothole's bigger and takes your whole tire out. You don't stop driving, do you? You don't stop driving. You find a better way to drive. You find a better route. You find a better way to avoid where there could be a ditch that would trip you up.
So why do you find every reason to stop obeying what God is telling you to do? I'm just asking you to be a better driver. If you know, "Hey, that's going to be an argument," all right, I'm going to find a better way to approach it because I care so much about the brotherhood that I'm willing to work at unity. I'm willing to work for us to go together.
You go back with them, and it says you go back with witnesses. Going back with witnesses is not just for you—it's also for them. The witnesses can discern if you're actually innocent or if you're being emotionally led.
It's not just about, "Come with me and help me tell them that they're wrong." I need somebody who's unbiased in the situation.
When it goes to witnesses, it didn't say, "Go back with your friends." Your friends cannot be your witnesses. Why? Because your friends are already implicated. Your friends are biased.
You understand this even in the court of law: you can't be on jury duty if you knew the defendant. If you knew what was happening, you cannot sit on the jury. Why? Because you are already biased. They'll even ask you, "Have you heard about this? Have you read up on it? Have you watched anything?" Why? Because if you've already been listening to the mess, you're going to miss the innocence of the person that's being defended.
You got to get some people that don't have a dog in the fight. Why? Because they may need to call you out too.
They may say, "Ain't no sis, now that I'm listening... ooh, you're a little messy. Now that I'm listening, they didn't say anything wrong. You heard wrong. It's possible while screaming that you're the victim, you could be the villain."
Maybe while waiting for them to apologize to you, you should have been the one apologizing. This is why you need witnesses. You can have people who care about unity, not people who care about cutting someone off. Witnesses are people saying, "How do we serve and worship together without losing the love we have in our hearts for Jesus Christ?"
Some people are thinking, "Well, Pastor, I came to them. I was innocent. I brought witnesses. We tried to talk it through. I thought we were over it. It came back up. I brought them before spiritual authority and still the spiritual authority couldn't get through. So, that means I can cut them off now, right?"
No. Jesus says, "I got one more play. Because I care so much about restoring that person, I'm looking for ways to bring them into clarity."
Verse 17 says: "If that person still refuses to listen." Notice he keeps saying, "If that person refuses to listen." Why? Because pure intentions don't mean pure successful outcomes. You can be pure in your intent, and even while you're pure in your intent, that person still finds something wrong.
"Hey, I just want to come and talk to you because I was hurt." "You always hurting on me and I heard what you said." "No, no, keep that over there because they already told me you was talking about me in 2017." "What?"
You can come with pure intentions and it still not work. You ever call somebody with pure intentions and it still turn into an argument? "Hey, I just want to tell you, man. I just want to get past it." "Now you want to get past it? Hey, come on, bro. I'm just trying to have pure intention, but sometimes the spirit in that room or in the conversation wants to keep confusion. Why? Because that's what the enemy does. He's the author of confusion."
Says if you go to the person and they still refuse to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan or as a corrupt tax collector.
Taking them to the church means bringing it under the spiritual authority that they claim to belong to. There's a spiritual authority that we belong to.
Why is that important? Because, hey, if you don't trust me and you don't trust the witnesses, at least you should trust your leadership. At least you should trust the people that God is holding accountable for your soul.
Do you not know the Bible says that pastors are held accountable for your souls? Some of y'all read scripture without even knowing what that means. Let me make it plain for you.
Held accountable means when we all get to heaven, we have to give an account for our lives. When we get to the judgment seat of God, God will ask us to give an account for every word we spoke, everything we did, and everything we practiced in our private life. If you lived right, you get in. If you don't, God says, "Your sin is exposed. Away from me. I never knew you."
But a pastor doesn't get that same judgment. I have to come and give an account for my life and what I've done. But before I go in, he said, "Hold on. What about the people I brought to you?"
A pastor can miss God not because they sinned, but because they mishandled you. You're a man like me. You put your pants on one at a time like me. But the judgment I get is not equal to yours.
I can prove this in scripture over and over. The Israelites—all of them were in sin—and they made it into the Promised Land. But Moses strikes the rock. He misrepresents God to God's children, and God tells Moses, "You're going to die outside of the Promise."
Well, Moses says, "I didn't do anything sinful. I'm not in lust. I'm not in perversion. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm living right."
"Yeah, but you mishandled my people. So because you mishandled my people, they can get in, but Moses, you're going to die outside the promise."
This is why he said, "Take it to the spiritual authority of the church. Because if you can't even be accountable to those who God holds accountable for you, then you won't listen to anybody."
And there's some people—if you want to be honest—they don't listen to anybody. If you bring them to the leadership of the church and they can't hear the leadership of the church, there was nothing you could have done to restore them. They were doomed.
This is why he said: Treat them like a pagan or a tax collector.
Now, he starts talking about cutting off people, and I know that's uncomfortable for some of you, but Jesus says you treat them like a pagan or a tax collector. What is he saying? You have to make a sharp separation between you and them because it's the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's a little leaven that leaveneth the whole lump.
It's the people that stay around you but represent demonic activity that starts walking against the purity of your heart. You got to be very careful about keeping people like that around you all the time. When you keep people like that in the camp, it seems like you're making an excuse for the sin. So people start looking around and saying, "Well, if they're still doing it and they're still doing it, so maybe I can too."
That's why I've been in a season where anytime somebody decides they don't want to honor the word of God, as your pastor, I love you so much to sit you down. I love you so much that I will sit you down until you make a decision who you are going to serve.
Notice Jesus—I'm going to close with this—at the end of this passage, he's never looking for a way for you to cut somebody off. As a matter of fact, he's fighting for you to restore them.
I feel prophetic right now. He's fighting for you to restore them, but for some of you, you have done all of these steps. You came to them, and Pastor, they didn't want to hear. You came with witnesses. You tried to talk it through. You thought you were over it. It came back up. You brought them before spiritual authority, and still the spiritual authority couldn't get through.
And here it is: because you love, your heart still feels guilty about cutting off.
Some of you cut off too fast, and that's your problem. But I feel prophetic: there's some of you in this room, and your issue is that you're holding on to what's cutting you.
And the only way for you to heal—hear me—is for you to put the blades down. You cannot heal the wound you keep slicing open.
"But pastor, I'm doing all that I can. I just believe that God can do it," and I believe he can, but hear me: Sometimes the only way God can is for you to stop. It's for you to release it.
I feel that so heavily because there are some of you right now that's what you've been fighting for. You got a heart like Christ. Everybody ain't far from Jesus. Some of you your heart is like Christ and you think, "I'mma just love them. I'mma just love them. I'mma just love them and they going to turn around."
But you've been getting cut and cut and cut and drowned and drowned and drowned and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding.
And the Lord is saying, "Hey, the only way I can do it is you got to give it to me."
"God, I give you... I give them to you. I give you that family member. I give you that child. I give you that spouse. I give it to you because God, I'm dying trying to give them life. And if Jesus wasn't enough, who am I?"
Father, this is my prayer. God, that as you're teaching us to forgive, you've given us the responsibility to find ways to restore the brotherhood, the sisterhood, to protect the covenant. That's what you're telling us to do.
But God, I also pray for those in this room who are saying, "God, I have tried everything. I've fasted. I've prayed. I've given it. I've given them my love, my heart. We've tried every way to reconcile. And God, why do I still feel guilty for having to walk away?"
Because their heart is so big, they want to love like you. But God, you said at the end: if a person rejects all accountability, rejects all biblical wisdom, sometimes the best thing you can do is create separation.
Lord, give us the wisdom on when to walk away. But give us the grace to keep extending love when you tell us to extend it. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
