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Part 5 of 6As for Me & My House
As For Me and My House
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Connected by scripture or shared themes.
Part 5 of 6As for Me & My House
As For Me and My House
Continue exploring
Connected by scripture or shared themes.
We're continuing the conversation that started last week in the series As For Me and My House. The foundation is this: Joshua led God's people with the mentality that "as for me and my house, we're going to serve God." He couldn't speak for anyone else—not his neighbors, not his culture, not his community—but he could make a choice for his own household.
This principle translates to our lives today: if you want God's best, you have to do it God's way. This week, we're exploring what that looks like in raising godly children—how to raise kids with the mindset that "if I want God's best for my kids, I have to do it God's way."
Before we go further, I want to acknowledge the full spectrum of where people are. In a church this large, some of you have struggled with infertility and are still praying for children. Some want kids. Some have kids at home. Some have grown children. Some have blended families, adopted children, or foster children. Some are grandparents. And yes, some of you don't want kids at all—and that's okay too.
Wherever you are in your season of life, God's Word will speak to you. Don't tune out; lean in and let God speak where you are right now.
Let me ask a fundamental question: What is the goal of parenting?
Many of us parent with the goal of raising perfect kids. We put pressure on them to bring home straight A's, to excel on the field, to be obedient and perfect at all times. But here's the truth: it is impossible to take imperfect parents raising imperfect kids and have perfect kids come up as a result. Wipe that goal off your list.
Another common goal is raising successful kids. But success changes from generation to generation, from person to person. What you consider success may not be success for your neighbor or even in your child's own eyes.
The best goal, if you're taking notes, is this: your goal is to prepare your child for their adulthood. This requires you to be intentional and purposeful. Your job is not to focus on today—it's to focus on the long game. As you interact with your kids, your aim is to ensure they become successful, healthy, functioning adults.
This isn't my idea; it comes straight from Scripture:
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they're older, they will not depart from it.
God calls us to direct our children. But there's a new parenting culture that says, "I'm going to let my kids decide." Let them decide if they do homework. Let them decide bedtime. Let them decide what they eat. Let them decide if they go to church. "I won't force my religion on them."
But Scripture doesn't say, "Let kids direct their path." It says, "You direct their path." And it says direct them onto the right path—which means there's at least one wrong path. There are many wrong paths. Our job is to direct them onto the right path.
Here's the promise: if you intentionally involve yourself in directing your children onto the right path, when they get older, they will not leave it. This doesn't mean they'll always appear to be on the path during their terrible twos or rebellious teen years. You'll question yourself. You'll wonder if you're doing a good job. But if you consistently engage, encourage, and set an example, when they're old, they won't depart from it.
A lot of modern parenting goes against this because we struggle to focus on long-term goals. We often parent for short-term success—we want it easy, comfortable, and we don't want our kids experiencing too much stress. But here's the reality: sometimes your kids need to experience difficulty, challenges, pushback, tension, and pressure because that's what they'll experience as adults. We have to set them up now for success.
If you only parent for the present, your kids will miss the path.
First: This is a no-guilt day. There are no perfect parents here. My goal is not to make you feel guilty but to help you look at your life and ask, "Where can I just be better?" I want to help you apply these principles so you can move better toward getting your kid on the right path.
Second: No comparison. Stop looking at what's happening next door. Your job is not to raise your neighbor's kids. Your kids are different from other kids, and you're different parents from other parents. Focus on your kids.
Let's look at a man in the Old Testament named Eli. Eli was the high priest in the temple—essentially the CEO or COO. His job was to maintain HR policies, oversee other priests, and ensure the quality of sacrifices met God's standards.
But here's what we find: Eli was a busy person and a struggling parent—probably the story of most of you. We live in an incredibly busy world, and the question is: how do you remain a successful parent while managing so much?
In 1 Samuel, we meet Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas:
The priests of the Lord at that time were the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas. Now, the sons of Eli were scoundrels who had no respect for the Lord or for their duties as priests.
So we find a busy parent raising bad kids. Now, I know your kids aren't "bad," but every kid goes through the scoundrel stage. The only difference from kid to kid is duration and intensity. Your job is to figure out where your kid is in that stage and adjust your parenting accordingly.
I want to give you four things to consider. The first one is critical:
You have to build relationally. This is foundational.
I've found that the easiest way we end up parenting is in "boss mode." A boss's primary job is giving instruction and correction. When you're in boss mode, your main interaction with your kids is when you're correcting them or telling them what to do. While authority absolutely has a place in the home and you must stand in authority as a parent, remember: you are not a CEO running a business. You're a parent leading a family, and those are not the same thing.
But culture has swung to the other extreme: some of you are in "friend mode." Your kids call you by your first name instead of mom or dad. You want them to have fun, to have what you didn't have, to go where you couldn't go. While it's important to provide for your kids and have a relationship with them, your job is not to be a provider; your job is to be a parent.
Here's something striking: Generation Alpha—the youngest generation alive—is the most financially and materially endowed generation ever. They have more stuff, more vacations, more money, more resources than any other generation. But they're struggling more academically, socially, and emotionally. While we try to make our children rich in experience and stuff, they're poor in instruction and correction.
If you're on the boss side, come toward the friend side. If you're on the friend side, come toward the boss side. Here's why:
The secret is this: when your kids get older, they still want to be your friend. But you have to find the balance where you're relational and willing to say, "Your children should be able to submit themselves to the authority in the house, just as Jesus submitted to His heavenly Father."
If you're in a two-parent home, here's what often happens: one of you is the boss, and the other is the friend. Often, one parent is "truth" and the other is "grace." This is the most toxic environment you can raise your kid in. Your kids are smarter than you think, and they will play parents against each other. They'll get the friend to go against the authority figure and will compromise conviction and instruction.
Get together as parents and lead your children well.
So what do our kids actually need if we're going to build relationally? They need two things: attention and affection.
First, they need time with you. I'm convinced that if you spend quantity time, quality moments naturally happen. If you're a busy person—an over-the-road trucker, a traveling nurse, a busy pastor—you may not have lots of quantity time. In that case, you need to make sure you're giving your kids quality time.
As a busy pastor, I made it a point that every time I came home, I would go into my daughters' bedroom and lay on the bed, talking about their day. It set them up to come into my office now as adults and have good conversations with me. With my son, I would take 15 or 20 minutes to throw the football or baseball and talk about his day. I wanted him to know: work's important, ministry's important, but family's important, and you're important.
Many of us default to buying our kids stuff because we're busy. But hear this: presence is more important than presents. Your presence in their life is more important than the stuff you buy them. In fact, the more they have of you, the less they'll require of your stuff.
Kids don't always do a great job at conversation. If you ask yes-or-no questions, you'll get yes-or-no answers—or nothing. Instead, try this approach:
When you pick your kids up from school, ask them: "Tell me something that made you mad, sad, or glad." They have to dig through their day to answer that.
Then follow up with: "Tell me more about that. How did that make you feel? How did you deal with that? Why did that make you feel that way?"
These conversations might not seem to matter in the moment, but you're playing the long game, setting them up to engage relationally with you as adults.
Beyond attention, we need to give our kids affection. Your kids need your affection—and they're going to push back against it. If you're not naturally affectionate, you have to break past that boundary. Your kids need it from you.
Beyond attention, we need to give our kids affection. Your kids need your affection—and they're going to push back against it. If you're not naturally affectionate, you have to break past that boundary. They're going to say, "Don't touch me. Don't do that. I'm too old for that. You're embarrassing me in front of my friends." Lather it up anyway.
I still have a son who is 20 years old. I don't care if you think I'm weird. When my kids come over, every single time I grab my daughters by the side and pull them in. I grab my son and pull him in hard for at least 10 seconds. I tell him I love him, and I'm not ashamed to still at times kiss my son on the cheek, because he is valuable to me from his first day to his last. He needs affection like all the rest of us.
I've never heard someone say, "My parents told me they loved me too much. They hugged me too much." But I have heard—and you've heard and maybe you've experienced—"Dad never told me he loved me. Mom never told me she was proud of me. Never hugged. Never kissed. Never felt like I mattered." Those building relational moments are the things that maximize us directing our kids onto the right path.
If you're going to do it, excess is best. You can't have too much. Catch them doing something right. Tell them, "Girl, you're beautiful. Son, you're so good." Brag on them. Make sure you're doing that.
Here's what I have found: in the most depressed generation ever, God put four hormones in the human brain that you need to be happy and healthy emotionally—serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin. When you touch people and hold them for more than 10 seconds, the brain emits oxytocin, the connecting hormone. Your kid feels, "I matter. I'm connected. I'm not alone in this world." When you speak life over them, when you love them, when you encourage them, the brain releases dopamine, the happy hormone.
I'm saying there's nothing wrong with your kid needing counseling, but if we want to bypass sending our kids to counselors and help them stay on the right path, as parents we have to make sure they have access to time, touch, and praise.
You should affirm our children regularly, but truthfully. Somebody has been lying to some kids. Don't lie to your kids. They need to hear sometimes, "Hey, baby, you're no good at singing, but let me help you find what you're good at." "Baby, you can't play basketball. The reason I know that is because they never put you in the game."
If you don't tell them the truth now, when they hear the truth later as adults, it will crush them. Sometimes they need to feel the weight of the world.
This is the second thing we need to do as parents to keep our kids on the right path: Don't rescue too quickly. In the most bubble-wrapped, helmet-wearing generation ever, we as parents are guilty of rescuing our kids too quickly.
Look at 1 Samuel 2:22-25. Eli's sons were seducing young women who assisted at the entrance of the tabernacle. They were supposed to be serving God, and instead they were out of control. The people came to Eli and said, "Your kids are out of control. They're not doing what they need to do." Eli went to them and said, "I've been hearing reports from all the people about the wicked things you're doing. Why do you keep sinning?"
Imagine if Eli was in this generation—or maybe it happened then too, because some parents are responding like this: "Don't tell my kid what to do. Leave my son alone. Who are you to discipline her? You have no right." What we do as parents is rescue so quickly. We try to get our kids out of uncomfortable conversations, uncomfortable situations, uncomfortable responsibilities because we do not want our kids to feel that way.
But while you think you're rescuing, you are ruining them. Kids build strength and maturity by carrying the weight of responsibility. You're not helping them; you're hurting them. You're not supporting your kids; you're undermining the path they need to be on.
Here's an example we've all probably gone through. It's a Sunday night, 9:38 p.m. Your son or daughter comes to your bedroom because you're getting ready to bed. "Mom, Dad, I got a project like three weeks ago and I forgot about it. I got a science experiment and it's due tomorrow." So you run to Walmart at 10 p.m., and junior goes to bed while you stay up until 3 a.m. doing the project.
Why? Because you don't want junior to get an F. Well, here's what I want you to know: YOU got the A, and he got the F. If you allow him to get the F instead of earning and living under your A, it will go far further in his development and understanding the weight of responsibility in the world. Stop rescuing them.
Well-intentioned parents can still create poorly positioned children. You're not setting your kids up for success; you're setting them up for safe spaces.
Now, am I saying open your kids up to anybody, open them up to abuse? No. But there are people in the lives of your children beyond you who are in places of authority and have something to say to your kids that will help them. You need to allow them to do it.
The biggest difference between previous generations and current generations is access. In my generation, adults had access to us in a way this generation does not. This generation has access to things my generation did not.
In my generation, we didn't have access to pornography. If you were bullied at school, you could clock out and go home. Now your children are carrying mobile devices and they have access to all kinds of garbage and bullying. As parents, you need to close that access.
But in my generation, if I got in trouble at school, I went home and got in trouble—and I know you're saying, "But you're old." I know. Now our kids get disciplined at school, and instead of supporting the teacher, we support our kids and we yell at our teachers. Teachers are leaving the profession. We need teachers to help raise this generation. If you're a teacher, we celebrate you. As an administrator, we celebrate you. We need you.
I'm not saying they're always right. But you put your kid under that coach to help them be better at the game. Being better isn't just instruction; sometimes it's correction. They need those umpires to tell them what's a strike, to tell them they're out. Stop rescuing.
They need to feel the weight of disappointment and hurt because they will feel it as adults. If they don't learn how to manage it now, they will break under the oppression when it comes.
How do we let them feel the pressure? Besides not rescuing, kids need two things: rules and responsibilities.
Look at Genesis 2:15-16. The Lord God placed the man in the garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord warned him: "You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."
Notice what God gave Adam and Eve—the very first two things: rules and responsibilities. "This is my garden, but I'm letting you live here. It's your job to tend it and keep it." My son tells me it's his home; it ain't his home. That's my home. I pay the rent in that room. I'm letting you live there; tend it and keep it.
Your kids need responsibilities. They need to feel the weight of something on them that they have to carry in this world. And the second thing is rules: "You can eat of all these trees except that one." There's a rule; that tree is off limits.
I think we tend to give a lot of rules. I have found that it's better to give less clear rules than lots of vague rules. God gave Adam and Eve one rule. Responsibilities should be age-appropriate. Don't make your kid your house cleaner.
Responsibilities should be real responsibilities that they can engage that are age-appropriate and life-stage appropriate. Rules should be clear and should be limited. But if you give them those, it will help them start feeling the weight they need to feel.
What do you do when they don't do what you expect them to do? Number three: You need to discipline consistently.
Eli's sons wouldn't listen to their father. A prophet comes to Eli and says, "Judgment is coming upon his family forever because his sons are blaspheming God—and he hasn't disciplined them." It sounds like he did confront them. He went and said, "Stop." But God's prophet says, "You didn't discipline him." What Eli was doing was confronting without expectation. He was confronting without discipline.
I have found in myself as a parent that I confronted my kids, but I didn't really have discipline backing it up. Our kids, if they're going to thrive, have to learn that there is an appropriate response to rebellion.
We shouldn't discipline our kids when they have a bad day. We shouldn't discipline them when they make a mistake or fall short. You shouldn't discipline your kid when they knock their milk over at the table. Discipline is reserved for rebellion. When they have clear responsibilities and clear rules and they violate those, that's rebellion. Discipline is intended to squash the rebellion, to help them stop being scoundrels.
In order to have effective discipline, you need two things: clear expectations and clear consequences.
What are the rules and responsibilities in your house for your kids? If you don't know, I promise you they don't know. And it's unfair for you to discipline your kid for a rule that wasn't clear to them. Even more so, it's unfair to give them a discipline they didn't anticipate.
Here's what I want you to do: State your rules. State your responsibilities. "Here's what I've asked you to do. Here's your role in the home. Here are the things you're called to do." When they don't do them, you have to discipline consistently.
As parents, we stink at this. One day we discipline, one day we don't. Often when you have two parents, you find this: Junior does what he shouldn't do, so dad says, "Hey, I'm taking your PlayStation away for three days." Day one he's losing his mind. He goes to his mom, "Mom, I'm bored. I don't have nothing to do." "Well, go play your PlayStation." "I can't. Dad grounded me for three days." "Listen, I'll talk to him. Just go play PlayStation." We don't want to feel the pressure, so we pull it off of them and create tension between the parents.
We have to give clear expectations and clear consequences. Whatever you decide, the best thing you can do is just be swift and be consistent.
There's some nuance here about the exact rules and responsibilities. The key is that kids need to have responsibility and they need to take responsibility. When you give them responsibility, you need to make sure it stays on them and they take responsibility that belongs to them.
The fourth thing I want to give you as we start wrapping this up is this: Live righteously.
If you're one of the campuses or you're here and you're not a Christ follower, you just wandered in here, you're kicking the tires on faith—we are glad you're here. All three of the first four things I've talked about apply to you. But if you're here and you're a Christ follower, number four is probably the most important thing you can hear.
If you're a Christ follower, this fourth point is probably the most important thing you can hear. If we're going to get our kids on the right path, we have to walk the right path ourselves. Jesus told us what the path is. He said in John 14:6, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life."
A massive study on Gen Z released about four years ago identified seven markers of that generation. The number one marker was this: my parents confess values that they don't live. Young people said, "I'm confused morally because my parents say one thing and do another."
Your actions speak so loudly your kids don't hear what you say. You teach what you know, and you reproduce who you are. If you're going to set a standard of faith in your household and believe Jesus is important, your kids have to see you consistently walking that path if they're ever going to walk it themselves. Set the standard.
You can be a perfect parent and create a perfect home, yet your child still might not end up on the right path. That's okay. God was a perfect father in a perfect place—Eden—and Adam and Eve still rebelled. What matters is whether your kids stray in spite of you or because of you. You don't want it to be because of you.
If the only time church is important to you is when it's convenient—when there's no ball tournament, no dance recital, when the weather is perfect—your kids won't go even when it's convenient. Let your kids catch you living for Jesus. Catch them doing right, and let them catch you doing right.
I've intentionally demonstrated this. I do my devotions late at night because I'm a night person. When I'm finished reading my Bible, I intentionally leave it out with my devotional open so when my kids wake up in the morning, they see: Dad read his word last night. The Bible is important to our family.
I want my kids to catch me praying—not just at mealtime, but in my office. I want them to hear me say, "Lord, I need grace today." Not in a showy way, but genuinely. Prayer should be something your kids witness, not just something you do at designated times.
My kids have learned generosity by watching us. When someone from the church gives us money—a Christmas bonus or what's sometimes called a "Pentecostal handshake"—we share it with our kids. I tell them, "You've had to sacrifice because of the choice I made in ministry. I want you to get the benefits too."
My son is now 20 years old and works as an electrician. On every paycheck, the first four things he does are: he tithes, gives to missions, puts money in retirement savings, and puts money in a savings account—before he spends a dime. That didn't come from me telling him to do it. He learned it from watching us live it.
God asked Eli, "Why do you scorn my sacrifices and offerings? Why do you give your sons more honor than you give me?" Eli's sons were raised in the church as priests, but they ended up corrupt. Their defense could have been: "Dad, we learned it from watching you. We're living the life we saw you live."
Most of you in this room are probably doing better than you think. You're probably succeeding more than you realize. Parenting is a struggle, a challenge, discouraging and frustrating. It'll make you angry and sad. But if you direct your children on the right path, when they get old they will not depart from it.
Embrace the responsibility God's given you, and let's raise this next generation of champions who will live in this culture and transform the culture around them.
Let me pray for you: Father, we confess we've struggled. Sometimes we've disciplined too harshly, sometimes not enough. We've given our kids what they don't need, and sometimes too much of what they do need. Father, I pray for grace on every parent, wisdom, peace, joy, and help from the Holy Spirit. Give them guidance in the moments that matter most—the decisions that will benefit the children they're raising. Help us all so that when our kids are adults and look back, they'll know it was the grace of Jesus that kept them walking on the right path.
We're continuing the conversation that started last week in the series As For Me and My House. The foundation is this: Joshua led God's people with the mentality that "as for me and my house, we're going to serve God." He couldn't speak for anyone else—not his neighbors, not his culture, not his community—but he could make a choice for his own household.
This principle translates to our lives today: if you want God's best, you have to do it God's way. This week, we're exploring what that looks like in raising godly children—how to raise kids with the mindset that "if I want God's best for my kids, I have to do it God's way."
Before we go further, I want to acknowledge the full spectrum of where people are. In a church this large, some of you have struggled with infertility and are still praying for children. Some want kids. Some have kids at home. Some have grown children. Some have blended families, adopted children, or foster children. Some are grandparents. And yes, some of you don't want kids at all—and that's okay too.
Wherever you are in your season of life, God's Word will speak to you. Don't tune out; lean in and let God speak where you are right now.
Let me ask a fundamental question: What is the goal of parenting?
Many of us parent with the goal of raising perfect kids. We put pressure on them to bring home straight A's, to excel on the field, to be obedient and perfect at all times. But here's the truth: it is impossible to take imperfect parents raising imperfect kids and have perfect kids come up as a result. Wipe that goal off your list.
Another common goal is raising successful kids. But success changes from generation to generation, from person to person. What you consider success may not be success for your neighbor or even in your child's own eyes.
The best goal, if you're taking notes, is this: your goal is to prepare your child for their adulthood. This requires you to be intentional and purposeful. Your job is not to focus on today—it's to focus on the long game. As you interact with your kids, your aim is to ensure they become successful, healthy, functioning adults.
This isn't my idea; it comes straight from Scripture:
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they're older, they will not depart from it.
God calls us to direct our children. But there's a new parenting culture that says, "I'm going to let my kids decide." Let them decide if they do homework. Let them decide bedtime. Let them decide what they eat. Let them decide if they go to church. "I won't force my religion on them."
But Scripture doesn't say, "Let kids direct their path." It says, "You direct their path." And it says direct them onto the right path—which means there's at least one wrong path. There are many wrong paths. Our job is to direct them onto the right path.
Here's the promise: if you intentionally involve yourself in directing your children onto the right path, when they get older, they will not leave it. This doesn't mean they'll always appear to be on the path during their terrible twos or rebellious teen years. You'll question yourself. You'll wonder if you're doing a good job. But if you consistently engage, encourage, and set an example, when they're old, they won't depart from it.
A lot of modern parenting goes against this because we struggle to focus on long-term goals. We often parent for short-term success—we want it easy, comfortable, and we don't want our kids experiencing too much stress. But here's the reality: sometimes your kids need to experience difficulty, challenges, pushback, tension, and pressure because that's what they'll experience as adults. We have to set them up now for success.
If you only parent for the present, your kids will miss the path.
First: This is a no-guilt day. There are no perfect parents here. My goal is not to make you feel guilty but to help you look at your life and ask, "Where can I just be better?" I want to help you apply these principles so you can move better toward getting your kid on the right path.
Second: No comparison. Stop looking at what's happening next door. Your job is not to raise your neighbor's kids. Your kids are different from other kids, and you're different parents from other parents. Focus on your kids.
Let's look at a man in the Old Testament named Eli. Eli was the high priest in the temple—essentially the CEO or COO. His job was to maintain HR policies, oversee other priests, and ensure the quality of sacrifices met God's standards.
But here's what we find: Eli was a busy person and a struggling parent—probably the story of most of you. We live in an incredibly busy world, and the question is: how do you remain a successful parent while managing so much?
In 1 Samuel, we meet Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas:
The priests of the Lord at that time were the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas. Now, the sons of Eli were scoundrels who had no respect for the Lord or for their duties as priests.
So we find a busy parent raising bad kids. Now, I know your kids aren't "bad," but every kid goes through the scoundrel stage. The only difference from kid to kid is duration and intensity. Your job is to figure out where your kid is in that stage and adjust your parenting accordingly.
I want to give you four things to consider. The first one is critical:
You have to build relationally. This is foundational.
I've found that the easiest way we end up parenting is in "boss mode." A boss's primary job is giving instruction and correction. When you're in boss mode, your main interaction with your kids is when you're correcting them or telling them what to do. While authority absolutely has a place in the home and you must stand in authority as a parent, remember: you are not a CEO running a business. You're a parent leading a family, and those are not the same thing.
But culture has swung to the other extreme: some of you are in "friend mode." Your kids call you by your first name instead of mom or dad. You want them to have fun, to have what you didn't have, to go where you couldn't go. While it's important to provide for your kids and have a relationship with them, your job is not to be a provider; your job is to be a parent.
Here's something striking: Generation Alpha—the youngest generation alive—is the most financially and materially endowed generation ever. They have more stuff, more vacations, more money, more resources than any other generation. But they're struggling more academically, socially, and emotionally. While we try to make our children rich in experience and stuff, they're poor in instruction and correction.
If you're on the boss side, come toward the friend side. If you're on the friend side, come toward the boss side. Here's why:
The secret is this: when your kids get older, they still want to be your friend. But you have to find the balance where you're relational and willing to say, "Your children should be able to submit themselves to the authority in the house, just as Jesus submitted to His heavenly Father."
If you're in a two-parent home, here's what often happens: one of you is the boss, and the other is the friend. Often, one parent is "truth" and the other is "grace." This is the most toxic environment you can raise your kid in. Your kids are smarter than you think, and they will play parents against each other. They'll get the friend to go against the authority figure and will compromise conviction and instruction.
Get together as parents and lead your children well.
So what do our kids actually need if we're going to build relationally? They need two things: attention and affection.
First, they need time with you. I'm convinced that if you spend quantity time, quality moments naturally happen. If you're a busy person—an over-the-road trucker, a traveling nurse, a busy pastor—you may not have lots of quantity time. In that case, you need to make sure you're giving your kids quality time.
As a busy pastor, I made it a point that every time I came home, I would go into my daughters' bedroom and lay on the bed, talking about their day. It set them up to come into my office now as adults and have good conversations with me. With my son, I would take 15 or 20 minutes to throw the football or baseball and talk about his day. I wanted him to know: work's important, ministry's important, but family's important, and you're important.
Many of us default to buying our kids stuff because we're busy. But hear this: presence is more important than presents. Your presence in their life is more important than the stuff you buy them. In fact, the more they have of you, the less they'll require of your stuff.
Kids don't always do a great job at conversation. If you ask yes-or-no questions, you'll get yes-or-no answers—or nothing. Instead, try this approach:
When you pick your kids up from school, ask them: "Tell me something that made you mad, sad, or glad." They have to dig through their day to answer that.
Then follow up with: "Tell me more about that. How did that make you feel? How did you deal with that? Why did that make you feel that way?"
These conversations might not seem to matter in the moment, but you're playing the long game, setting them up to engage relationally with you as adults.
Beyond attention, we need to give our kids affection. Your kids need your affection—and they're going to push back against it. If you're not naturally affectionate, you have to break past that boundary. Your kids need it from you.
Beyond attention, we need to give our kids affection. Your kids need your affection—and they're going to push back against it. If you're not naturally affectionate, you have to break past that boundary. They're going to say, "Don't touch me. Don't do that. I'm too old for that. You're embarrassing me in front of my friends." Lather it up anyway.
I still have a son who is 20 years old. I don't care if you think I'm weird. When my kids come over, every single time I grab my daughters by the side and pull them in. I grab my son and pull him in hard for at least 10 seconds. I tell him I love him, and I'm not ashamed to still at times kiss my son on the cheek, because he is valuable to me from his first day to his last. He needs affection like all the rest of us.
I've never heard someone say, "My parents told me they loved me too much. They hugged me too much." But I have heard—and you've heard and maybe you've experienced—"Dad never told me he loved me. Mom never told me she was proud of me. Never hugged. Never kissed. Never felt like I mattered." Those building relational moments are the things that maximize us directing our kids onto the right path.
If you're going to do it, excess is best. You can't have too much. Catch them doing something right. Tell them, "Girl, you're beautiful. Son, you're so good." Brag on them. Make sure you're doing that.
Here's what I have found: in the most depressed generation ever, God put four hormones in the human brain that you need to be happy and healthy emotionally—serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin. When you touch people and hold them for more than 10 seconds, the brain emits oxytocin, the connecting hormone. Your kid feels, "I matter. I'm connected. I'm not alone in this world." When you speak life over them, when you love them, when you encourage them, the brain releases dopamine, the happy hormone.
I'm saying there's nothing wrong with your kid needing counseling, but if we want to bypass sending our kids to counselors and help them stay on the right path, as parents we have to make sure they have access to time, touch, and praise.
You should affirm our children regularly, but truthfully. Somebody has been lying to some kids. Don't lie to your kids. They need to hear sometimes, "Hey, baby, you're no good at singing, but let me help you find what you're good at." "Baby, you can't play basketball. The reason I know that is because they never put you in the game."
If you don't tell them the truth now, when they hear the truth later as adults, it will crush them. Sometimes they need to feel the weight of the world.
This is the second thing we need to do as parents to keep our kids on the right path: Don't rescue too quickly. In the most bubble-wrapped, helmet-wearing generation ever, we as parents are guilty of rescuing our kids too quickly.
Look at 1 Samuel 2:22-25. Eli's sons were seducing young women who assisted at the entrance of the tabernacle. They were supposed to be serving God, and instead they were out of control. The people came to Eli and said, "Your kids are out of control. They're not doing what they need to do." Eli went to them and said, "I've been hearing reports from all the people about the wicked things you're doing. Why do you keep sinning?"
Imagine if Eli was in this generation—or maybe it happened then too, because some parents are responding like this: "Don't tell my kid what to do. Leave my son alone. Who are you to discipline her? You have no right." What we do as parents is rescue so quickly. We try to get our kids out of uncomfortable conversations, uncomfortable situations, uncomfortable responsibilities because we do not want our kids to feel that way.
But while you think you're rescuing, you are ruining them. Kids build strength and maturity by carrying the weight of responsibility. You're not helping them; you're hurting them. You're not supporting your kids; you're undermining the path they need to be on.
Here's an example we've all probably gone through. It's a Sunday night, 9:38 p.m. Your son or daughter comes to your bedroom because you're getting ready to bed. "Mom, Dad, I got a project like three weeks ago and I forgot about it. I got a science experiment and it's due tomorrow." So you run to Walmart at 10 p.m., and junior goes to bed while you stay up until 3 a.m. doing the project.
Why? Because you don't want junior to get an F. Well, here's what I want you to know: YOU got the A, and he got the F. If you allow him to get the F instead of earning and living under your A, it will go far further in his development and understanding the weight of responsibility in the world. Stop rescuing them.
Well-intentioned parents can still create poorly positioned children. You're not setting your kids up for success; you're setting them up for safe spaces.
Now, am I saying open your kids up to anybody, open them up to abuse? No. But there are people in the lives of your children beyond you who are in places of authority and have something to say to your kids that will help them. You need to allow them to do it.
The biggest difference between previous generations and current generations is access. In my generation, adults had access to us in a way this generation does not. This generation has access to things my generation did not.
In my generation, we didn't have access to pornography. If you were bullied at school, you could clock out and go home. Now your children are carrying mobile devices and they have access to all kinds of garbage and bullying. As parents, you need to close that access.
But in my generation, if I got in trouble at school, I went home and got in trouble—and I know you're saying, "But you're old." I know. Now our kids get disciplined at school, and instead of supporting the teacher, we support our kids and we yell at our teachers. Teachers are leaving the profession. We need teachers to help raise this generation. If you're a teacher, we celebrate you. As an administrator, we celebrate you. We need you.
I'm not saying they're always right. But you put your kid under that coach to help them be better at the game. Being better isn't just instruction; sometimes it's correction. They need those umpires to tell them what's a strike, to tell them they're out. Stop rescuing.
They need to feel the weight of disappointment and hurt because they will feel it as adults. If they don't learn how to manage it now, they will break under the oppression when it comes.
How do we let them feel the pressure? Besides not rescuing, kids need two things: rules and responsibilities.
Look at Genesis 2:15-16. The Lord God placed the man in the garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord warned him: "You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."
Notice what God gave Adam and Eve—the very first two things: rules and responsibilities. "This is my garden, but I'm letting you live here. It's your job to tend it and keep it." My son tells me it's his home; it ain't his home. That's my home. I pay the rent in that room. I'm letting you live there; tend it and keep it.
Your kids need responsibilities. They need to feel the weight of something on them that they have to carry in this world. And the second thing is rules: "You can eat of all these trees except that one." There's a rule; that tree is off limits.
I think we tend to give a lot of rules. I have found that it's better to give less clear rules than lots of vague rules. God gave Adam and Eve one rule. Responsibilities should be age-appropriate. Don't make your kid your house cleaner.
Responsibilities should be real responsibilities that they can engage that are age-appropriate and life-stage appropriate. Rules should be clear and should be limited. But if you give them those, it will help them start feeling the weight they need to feel.
What do you do when they don't do what you expect them to do? Number three: You need to discipline consistently.
Eli's sons wouldn't listen to their father. A prophet comes to Eli and says, "Judgment is coming upon his family forever because his sons are blaspheming God—and he hasn't disciplined them." It sounds like he did confront them. He went and said, "Stop." But God's prophet says, "You didn't discipline him." What Eli was doing was confronting without expectation. He was confronting without discipline.
I have found in myself as a parent that I confronted my kids, but I didn't really have discipline backing it up. Our kids, if they're going to thrive, have to learn that there is an appropriate response to rebellion.
We shouldn't discipline our kids when they have a bad day. We shouldn't discipline them when they make a mistake or fall short. You shouldn't discipline your kid when they knock their milk over at the table. Discipline is reserved for rebellion. When they have clear responsibilities and clear rules and they violate those, that's rebellion. Discipline is intended to squash the rebellion, to help them stop being scoundrels.
In order to have effective discipline, you need two things: clear expectations and clear consequences.
What are the rules and responsibilities in your house for your kids? If you don't know, I promise you they don't know. And it's unfair for you to discipline your kid for a rule that wasn't clear to them. Even more so, it's unfair to give them a discipline they didn't anticipate.
Here's what I want you to do: State your rules. State your responsibilities. "Here's what I've asked you to do. Here's your role in the home. Here are the things you're called to do." When they don't do them, you have to discipline consistently.
As parents, we stink at this. One day we discipline, one day we don't. Often when you have two parents, you find this: Junior does what he shouldn't do, so dad says, "Hey, I'm taking your PlayStation away for three days." Day one he's losing his mind. He goes to his mom, "Mom, I'm bored. I don't have nothing to do." "Well, go play your PlayStation." "I can't. Dad grounded me for three days." "Listen, I'll talk to him. Just go play PlayStation." We don't want to feel the pressure, so we pull it off of them and create tension between the parents.
We have to give clear expectations and clear consequences. Whatever you decide, the best thing you can do is just be swift and be consistent.
There's some nuance here about the exact rules and responsibilities. The key is that kids need to have responsibility and they need to take responsibility. When you give them responsibility, you need to make sure it stays on them and they take responsibility that belongs to them.
The fourth thing I want to give you as we start wrapping this up is this: Live righteously.
If you're one of the campuses or you're here and you're not a Christ follower, you just wandered in here, you're kicking the tires on faith—we are glad you're here. All three of the first four things I've talked about apply to you. But if you're here and you're a Christ follower, number four is probably the most important thing you can hear.
If you're a Christ follower, this fourth point is probably the most important thing you can hear. If we're going to get our kids on the right path, we have to walk the right path ourselves. Jesus told us what the path is. He said in John 14:6, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life."
A massive study on Gen Z released about four years ago identified seven markers of that generation. The number one marker was this: my parents confess values that they don't live. Young people said, "I'm confused morally because my parents say one thing and do another."
Your actions speak so loudly your kids don't hear what you say. You teach what you know, and you reproduce who you are. If you're going to set a standard of faith in your household and believe Jesus is important, your kids have to see you consistently walking that path if they're ever going to walk it themselves. Set the standard.
You can be a perfect parent and create a perfect home, yet your child still might not end up on the right path. That's okay. God was a perfect father in a perfect place—Eden—and Adam and Eve still rebelled. What matters is whether your kids stray in spite of you or because of you. You don't want it to be because of you.
If the only time church is important to you is when it's convenient—when there's no ball tournament, no dance recital, when the weather is perfect—your kids won't go even when it's convenient. Let your kids catch you living for Jesus. Catch them doing right, and let them catch you doing right.
I've intentionally demonstrated this. I do my devotions late at night because I'm a night person. When I'm finished reading my Bible, I intentionally leave it out with my devotional open so when my kids wake up in the morning, they see: Dad read his word last night. The Bible is important to our family.
I want my kids to catch me praying—not just at mealtime, but in my office. I want them to hear me say, "Lord, I need grace today." Not in a showy way, but genuinely. Prayer should be something your kids witness, not just something you do at designated times.
My kids have learned generosity by watching us. When someone from the church gives us money—a Christmas bonus or what's sometimes called a "Pentecostal handshake"—we share it with our kids. I tell them, "You've had to sacrifice because of the choice I made in ministry. I want you to get the benefits too."
My son is now 20 years old and works as an electrician. On every paycheck, the first four things he does are: he tithes, gives to missions, puts money in retirement savings, and puts money in a savings account—before he spends a dime. That didn't come from me telling him to do it. He learned it from watching us live it.
God asked Eli, "Why do you scorn my sacrifices and offerings? Why do you give your sons more honor than you give me?" Eli's sons were raised in the church as priests, but they ended up corrupt. Their defense could have been: "Dad, we learned it from watching you. We're living the life we saw you live."
Most of you in this room are probably doing better than you think. You're probably succeeding more than you realize. Parenting is a struggle, a challenge, discouraging and frustrating. It'll make you angry and sad. But if you direct your children on the right path, when they get old they will not depart from it.
Embrace the responsibility God's given you, and let's raise this next generation of champions who will live in this culture and transform the culture around them.
Let me pray for you: Father, we confess we've struggled. Sometimes we've disciplined too harshly, sometimes not enough. We've given our kids what they don't need, and sometimes too much of what they do need. Father, I pray for grace on every parent, wisdom, peace, joy, and help from the Holy Spirit. Give them guidance in the moments that matter most—the decisions that will benefit the children they're raising. Help us all so that when our kids are adults and look back, they'll know it was the grace of Jesus that kept them walking on the right path.
