Intentional Communication

When Communication Breaks Down

We're in a series called It's Not You, It's Me — you know that phrase we use when we're trying to describe something to someone, trying to alleviate them of their pain, when actually we're trying to take it upon ourselves. Today we're talking about intentional communication.

I'm sure we've all had a moment where communication broke down. You think you're saying one thing, and it turns out you're saying something completely different. If you've ever had a toddler, you'll know that moment where you're trying to work out what they are desperately trying to communicate — usually food or freedom. We've got a granddaughter who's two and a bit, and she'll talk at you, and every now and again there's that odd word where you go, "No... no." And then the moment of revelation comes. She's thrilled, we're thrilled, everything is good in life again.

Or perhaps you've sent a text message and got one word wrong — and getting that one word wrong was a crisis moment. "Bring it back, bring it back, bring it back." And then it's gone. Or you got your punctuation wrong, and what meant one thing now means something completely different.

When communication goes wrong, it creates all sorts of problems. Some are comedic, and you can laugh at them and move on. But some become a crisis, because somebody said something they might have even meant, but how they said it landed things badly.

Over-communicators and Under-communicators

Years ago in our life group, all the guys travelled for a living and flew a lot. We had this conversation about what you do when you get on a plane, and the group split evenly.

One lot get on a plane, put the headphones on, and want no disturbance whatsoever. I am in that group. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want anyone to talk to me. Then there's the other group who don't wear headphones — they're looking forward to meeting some poor innocent stranger who's going to sit next to them for eight hours.

We break into two groups: the under-communicators and the over-communicators. And communication becomes vital.

Communication Is More Than Words

Communication is not just your words. In fact, your words only make up 7% of what is heard. The tone of your words makes up 38%. Every now and again someone will say, "Hey, how you doing?" and I'll say, "Oh, I'm terrible." They never hear the word terrible — they hear the tone I said it in, and they go, "That's wonderful," and move on.

And 55% is body language — what your face is doing, what your body is doing. So communication is not just about words; it's about the whole of your being: who you are, how you say it, what it looks like when you say it, and how people interpret those things.

Good communication is key to relational health — not just in marriage, but in any relationship at all: in the workspace, in the home, in church life, or even your relationship with God.

Language Is the Building Block of Our Relationship with God

Our relationship with God is actually based on our language. Language is the fundamental building block of how we connect with God. It's not how you feel — it begins with language, because it's language that creates how you feel. The only way to explain how you feel is to find a word, which is language.

God has always been in the business of communicating.

"And God said, let there be light." (Genesis 1:3)

Our language not only communicates, but creates. How I feel is often shaped by someone else's language, or my language to myself. When I tell myself I'm feeling low, I'm struggling today, the rest of my day falls in line with the language I've spoken. But when I choose to say something different, or hear something different from someone else, that changes the way my day works — because language has created something in me.

Language creates, but God keeps speaking. He may have spoken, but he keeps speaking, and our responsibility is to listen to him as much as it is to speak to him. When we're in crisis mode, we spend a lot of our time telling God how to fix our crisis: "Lord, if you could just come through on this, if I could get a new job..." Have you ever laid hands on a car? Broken down on the side of the road, saying, "Live in Jesus' name"?

How Language Broke — and Restored — Our Relationship with God

It was language and communication that broke our relationship with God. When the devil came to Eve and said, "Did God really say?" he challenged the language — what was said. Because of that brokenness, man's sin created a communication barrier between God and man. Man could no longer see God or be with God.

So all that was left were the words. When you can't see someone or be with them, all you have are the words — the tone is gone, the body language is gone. The relationship became ritual and rules. Just doing the same thing, the way it's always been done — until Jesus.

When Jesus died on the cross and proclaimed, "It is finished," that moment of language broke everything open. He poured out his blood and spoke those words, and the veil in the temple tore in two from top to bottom. Suddenly the relationship that was separated could come together again. We don't need an interpreter of God's words — a priest or a pastor. We can go to God for ourselves, personally, and he will speak to you because he loves us.

Language Is Harder with One Another

Language is harder in our relationships with one another. I can stumble around in my prayers with God — "Lord, I'm just praying for Steve, I can't remember why, but he's on my heart." And if all else fails, you speak in tongues. We understand that prayer language, and you work it out.

But our language with each other has less space for error, because it's usually live. And when it's live, you can't undo it. There's no undo button in your communication with someone — no chance to rephrase it the way you could with an email.

So what happens in our relationships with one another? Let me give you two foundational scriptures.

"Encourage one another and build each other up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

If you're going to talk to someone, that needs to be the goal and outcome. I want to walk out of this thing with them encouraged and built up. That word "encourage" means putting courage in, putting strength in.

"The tongue has the power of life and death." (Proverbs 18:21)

So we've got to decide: what am I speaking to people? Am I speaking life? Do my words leave them feeling more alive, or do they leave them feeling like they've taken a step toward death? Does my wife walk away from every conversation with me feeling better about herself, feeling everything is full of life and built up?

Here's the great news: whatever a relationship is at, words can turn it around. Time won't turn it around without words. Time may give space for new words to replace the old words that hurt, but it will require words to heal the relationship.

Four Keys to Communicating Well

1. Be Open and Truthful

Paul writes to the church in Corinth:

"We have spoken freely to you... our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return... widen your hearts also." (2 Corinthians 6:11–13)

This is about taking your relationship to a deeper level and making your conversations more significant. There are times for "Hey, how you doing?" "Oh, I'm great." But if that's the sole depth of the relationships you have, you're not living life to the full. Life to the full includes vulnerability, and vulnerability is expressed through language.

You can communicate that something's not well without language, but you can't communicate what's not well. You've got to find the words. We've got to be real, open, and willing to share.

Ephesians 4 says:

"Speak the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15)

That doesn't mean you tell someone something you don't like about them and add "in love" at the end. What Paul is saying is: speak from love. If I set up my relationships beginning with how I care for you, then how I speak to you will be a reflection of how I care for you.

Sometimes that means hard conversations. When you really love someone and something's not going well, you need to talk to them about it — otherwise you don't love them as much as you think you do. Every now and again — with our kids, with people we work with, with friends — you have to have an honest conversation that goes: "Because I love you and believe in you, I need to challenge you on something." That's speaking the truth in love. It's not a get-out-of-jail card for saying whatever you want.

The Humility of Weakness

Sometimes communication just goes wrong. Years ago Julie and I went to a T.D. Jakes conference in Washington D.C. A friend on the leadership team said, "When you get there, go to the international concierge desk — they'll have a special welcome for you as my guest." So we arrive, go to the desk, and say we're friends of so-and-so who mentioned a special welcome. She disappears into the back, comes back after a couple of minutes, leans on the counter and says: "Welcome." Had our friend lied? No. Had she got it wrong? No. Had something gone wrong in the communication? Yes. So we don't bag our friend — we just go, "Oh, that was funny."

At the same conference — 10,000 people, mostly African American, so two white English people stand out — a guy turned around during the greeting time and said, "I know you." I said, "No, you don't." He said, "You're from Audacious. I watch you on TV all the time." I said, "Thank you very much." And then he turned to his mate and said, "These guys are from France."

Paul says this:

"I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses... for when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9–10, paraphrased)

Open, honest conversation has got to involve not just telling people how great you are, but letting them know when it hasn't worked.

James writes:

"Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16)

That's the kind of verse I'd hoped had a mistranslation — I'd be more comfortable if it said "confess your sins to the Lord." But it says to one another. It doesn't mean we have a Sunday night where you take turns confessing something. It means: may you have such great relationships that you can be honest enough about your weaknesses that the other person won't judge you and throw you under the bus. Honesty and openness bring healing.

2. Be Gracious

"Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:6)

"Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (James 1:19)

Why do they write that? Because we all make mistakes. Having grace for someone else is really a deposit for the moment when they need grace for you. If you haven't got it wrong first, you're going to get it wrong second. In your relationships, if it's always them and not you, there's going to be a point when it's you and not them. Storing up grace by how you treat one another is vital in building your relationships.

3. Be Wise About Who, What, and When

Be wise about who you're speaking to, what you're speaking about, and when you're speaking about it.

Who are you sharing it with? If you share with people who gossip, they're going to gossip. Just because they talk to you, let me tell you — they talk about you as well.

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14)

We often confine that to marriage, but it's true of every relationship. Who are you being vulnerable with? Who are you letting speak into your dreams? Are you letting people without faith minimise your dreams? Or are you saying, "I want people of faith speaking into what I'm doing"?

When you want a vulnerable conversation, hold it with the right person. Pick your people well. Don't pick someone who has no idea, who's skipped through life where everything is rainbows and unicorns. Pick someone who's had a bit of a battle, who can say, "I know where you're at. Let me help you. There's a way out of this." When you fall in a hole, you want someone who knows the way out.

What are you sharing? Is it yours to share? People ask, "How are your kids doing?" Our kids have stories — great and difficult, like all of us — but it's not our job to tell their stories. They're adults; they'll tell their own stories when they want to. We won't share their stories as preaching illustrations, because we love them and we protect them.

If you asked me casually how someone was, I'd tell you surface-level things about them. But if you were a close confidant and asked how I was, I'd talk to you about me. I might tell you how I feel about what's happening with them, but I'm not talking to you about them.

When are you sharing it? Late-night conversations when people are tired are not always the best time. When someone's focused elsewhere, it's not the best time. Pick your moments. If a conversation has real value, pick the moment where you can also give the value to it.

4. Make Sure Your Language Is Encouraging

"Encourage one another and build one another up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

We should be each other's best cheerleaders. People should walk out of church every time encouraged — not just because the band was great, though they are, not just because the preaching was great, though it is — but because at some point they had a great conversation with someone and felt good afterward. Someone in the coffee queue, someone while collecting the kids. A healthy, life-giving conversation that brought life to their week.

How do we encourage? Three things:

1. Be present. When you're in a conversation, be present. The mobile phone is a distraction. Once you get locked into a conversation, keep the phone in your pocket. It doesn't matter if it's vibrating — if the conversation matters, that will wait.

2. Be intentional. If you want real conversations with people, diary them. Even in your marriage, there are times to say, "We need some time to talk. Let's set time aside." And then don't spend the rest of the time wondering what it is you're going to talk about.

3. Be specific. We're really good at specific criticism and really poor at specific encouragement. If someone says, "You preached well," that doesn't help me — tell me why it was good. When you tell someone, "You look great today," tell them why. Finding the specific is what helps us be truly encouraging.

Your Response

Here's the response — not coming to the front, but taking these questions home:

1. What conversations do you need to start or stop in your life?
2. What one thing can you do this week to make a change in your communication?
3. Who's drifted out of your life that you need to reach out to? Fellas, we're terrible at this. We call it "mateship" — we can go 25 years without talking and just pick up where we left off. It's not true; we just make it feel true. Maybe you need to send a text, make a call, or arrange a coffee.
4. Are there people you should stop having certain conversations with? Not stop seeing them — but if you're talking to the wrong person about the wrong thing, bring it back. If you spend more time talking about your marriage than to your spouse, you need to stop that and bring the conversation into the space where it can be changed.
5. Is there someone you need to forgive? It might be small or huge. But forgiveness doesn't just happen internally. It starts internally, but at some point forgiveness has to use language. You can't forgive someone and never let them know you've forgiven them — that's only part of the journey.

The Key: Be Filled with the Spirit

Finally, here's the key for all of us. To communicate well, we need to be as godly as we can be. God was the first communicator, so he set a pattern we're called to follow — and we find that pattern when we're filled with the Holy Spirit.

Being filled with the Holy Spirit is not just for a word of knowledge, a miracle moment, or speaking in tongues. It's about the shaping of your character. God is transforming us by filling us with his Spirit, working inside us so that what comes out of us matches who he is.

That's why it impacts our prayers — we pray differently as Spirit-filled people, in line with his will. And our relationships come more into line with his will too, because out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). When my heart is full of the Spirit, the overflow of all my conversation is godly. That doesn't mean I only talk about the Bible — it means how I treat people, how I lift them up, how I encourage them, is godly. Why? Because it's the fruit of the Spirit.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22–23)

Every one of those words has a huge impact on our language. Take just the last one — self-control. "I didn't mean to say it, it just came out." Well, what was missing? The fruit of the Spirit.

Notice this: it's fruit, not fruits. It's singular. All of those things should be evidenced in our lives together — by being filled with the Spirit.