Jesus, Marriage and Singleness

Introduction: A Hard Teaching for Jesus' People

As we begin, look at verse 11 of Matthew 19: "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given." Jesus recognises that the teaching he gives in this section of Matthew on marriage, divorce, and singleness is hard for us to hear, hard for us to accept. Indeed, Jesus says only some will accept it.

For some of us here who are single and would like to be married, what Jesus says may be hard to hear. For others of us in marriages that are difficult, this teaching may be hard. Others among us have experienced the pain, hurt, or betrayal of divorce ourselves, or through our parents. What we hear from Jesus this evening may be hard for many of us.

But in verse 11, the distinction Jesus makes is between his disciples—those who recognise that he is the king establishing his new kingdom—and those who are not. The distinction is between the values of Jesus' kingdom and the kingdom of this world. So let me urge us all to listen carefully. This is the Lord speaking to us, showing us what life looks like in his church, for his disciples, for people who follow him. And if you're here this evening as someone who wouldn't call yourself a Christian, my hope is that you might see something of how beautiful Jesus' kingdom is, and so be drawn to Jesus himself.

Setting the Scene

We're continuing our series in Matthew, picking up in chapter 19. Back in chapter 18 (before Easter), we saw Jesus on a journey—having left Galilee in the north, heading toward Jerusalem in the south where he will suffer, die, and be raised to life on the third day. Through his death and resurrection, he is saving a people for himself, bringing people into his kingdom under his rule. As he journeys, he teaches his people what it means to follow him: to deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow Jesus.

As the story picks up in Matthew 19, it's business as usual—large crowds follow him and he heals them. But then the Pharisees come to test him:

"Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (v.3)

The Pharisees are asking: what are the grounds for divorce? Is it anything and everything? One rabbi of that era taught that even if a wife burns her husband's dinner, that's a legitimate reason to divorce—anything displeasing counts. We're not that far removed from this today: current UK divorce law recognises "irretrievable breakdown," which includes simply growing apart or poor communication. It's not so different from the Pharisees' question.

But before Jesus answers about divorce, he goes back further to explain God's design for marriage. We can't understand what Jesus says about divorce without understanding the foundations of marriage.

1. Marriage for Followers of Jesus Is to Be Permanent

Here is Jesus' answer:

"Haven't you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (vv.4-6)

Jesus goes right back to Genesis 1 and 2, to the beginning of creation, to provide the ethic for his followers. God made the heavens and the earth, then made humanity in his own image, male and female—equal in value, dignity, and honour. Part of the reason for this is marriage: a man leaves his birth family and is united to his wife, and the two become a new family unit.

Jesus really pushes this home:

"So they are no longer two but one flesh... therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

In marriage, something profound happens. It's not two people choosing to live together conveniently, like housemates who go their separate ways when circumstances change. God is joining two people together as one. God binds them, unites them. And if God has done that creative act of uniting them, no one must break it.

We see these truths reflected wonderfully in wedding services. The groom stands separate from his family; the bride's father gives her away, symbolising that they are leaving their families. As they make their promises publicly before God, God works to unite them in one flesh—a permanent marriage relationship. This is reflected in the promises: "to have and to hold from this day forward... till death us part." Whatever happens—for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health—that marriage stands. That's why they promise to love, comfort, honour, and protect each other, forsaking all others. All those promises flow from the reality of God's good design.

Implications of God's Design

• Marriage is between one man and one woman—not polygamy, and not so-called same-sex marriage.
• The phrase "let no one separate" is not merely a suggestion—it functions almost as a command. If we are married, we need to be careful how we relate to our spouse. Is there anything in our marriage, in how we act publicly or privately, on a trajectory that could lead to separation? Don't do it.
• This is nothing more than what we've already promised in our wedding vows—to forsake all others and be devoted to our spouse.
• It also means all of us—married or single—need to be careful in how we relate to married friends. There mustn't be ambiguity that could threaten to separate what God has joined together.

2. Marriage Is to Be Permanent, Except for Marital Unfaithfulness

The Pharisees push back with a question about Moses:

"Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" (v.7)

Notice the difference in Jesus' reply:

"Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard, but it was not this way from the beginning." (v.8)

The Pharisees say Moses commanded divorce; Jesus says Moses permitted it. The background is Deuteronomy 24:1-4, part of Israel's law code. In essence, Moses said that if a man divorces his wife, and she marries another, and that second marriage also breaks down, the first husband may not remarry her. The point is: don't marry someone you've divorced. In saying this, Moses assumes divorce could happen—he permits it, but doesn't command it.

Given the Creator's design that marriage is permanent, why permit divorce at all? Because of the hardness of our hearts. Divorce is never the ideal—it is allowed as a concession because of hearts that:

• Don't listen to God and fail to guard marriage as they should
• Do things that lead to a marriage breaking, such as adultery
• Fail to show love and grace under the pressures of life—finances, health, children
• Refuse to forgive when wronged

God recognises the reality of life now—not the world of Genesis 1 and 2, but the broken world of Genesis 3. Yet even as Jesus speaks of divorce, he immediately returns to God's design: "But it was not this way from the beginning." Divorce is never good; marriage is meant to be permanent. That is God's blueprint for those who follow Jesus.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Does this mean divorce is always wrong for Christians? Jesus gives one exception:

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another woman commits adultery." (v.9)

Sexual immorality outside the marriage breaks the one-flesh union itself. In that case, divorce is permitted (though not commanded), and I believe remarriage after such a divorce is also permissible—though Christians hold different views on this.

Even so, divorce being permitted, not commanded, means this is a matter of wisdom for those who find themselves in that situation. Even in immense pain, the ideal remains forgiveness, not divorce—just as Jesus taught in chapter 18: when we grasp how much God has forgiven us, it enables us to forgive the lesser debt of those who wrong us. This doesn't minimise real hurt, but keeps it in perspective with the greater wrong we've committed against God and been forgiven for.

As an aside: in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul permits divorce for a second reason—abandonment. If a spouse completely walks away, what God joined has been broken. Situations of domestic abuse can also fall under this category, since abuse does violence to the one-flesh union, separating what God has united.

If anyone here is in an abusive marriage, or knows someone who is, please talk to a member of church staff, or contact safeguarding through the church website.

The Disciples' Reaction

Hearing this, the disciples exclaim:

"If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." (v.10)

They recognise how high Jesus' standard is—and perhaps respond somewhat selfishly: better not to marry then. But we can agree this teaching is hard. Jesus' standard for marriage takes us back to the Creator's good design, and we can only live it out with his help—help our Lord delights to give.

If you're finding marriage hard right now, ask the Lord for grace and wisdom. Please also feel free to talk to a member of staff—there is a marriage support team here who would love to help strengthen you.

And if you've been divorced for the wrong reasons, or divorced and remarried outside what Jesus describes, remember the gospel: there is forgiveness for every wrong—wrong divorce, wrong remarriage, every sin. Come to Jesus and seek his forgiveness; it will be granted. He is a God who loves to give more grace to his people.

3. Some Followers of Jesus Will Be Single

Jesus picks up on the disciples' comment to speak about singleness:

"Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." (vv.11-12)

The culture Jesus spoke into assumed every man should marry and have children—and looked down on eunuchs, the only real expression of singleness in that culture. Jesus' teaching here is radically refreshing: in his kingdom, among his followers, there are single people. Notice the threefold repetition in verse 12—there are, there are, there are eunuchs.

• Some are single due to circumstances outside their control—born that way, or made so by others.
• Some choose to live single for the sake of the kingdom—perhaps to devote themselves to gospel ministry or mission in a dangerous place, or simply because they've said no to marrying someone who isn't a Christian, choosing godliness and singleness deliberately.

This was radical in that culture, and it's pretty radical in ours too—a culture that assumes people should be coupled off, or else somehow incomplete. But Jesus is not saying marriage is better than singleness, or singleness better than marriage. Both are good and should be celebrated. We all need each other, married and single alike, in different ways.

I'd recommend the book Single Ever After by Dan(ielle) Week—helpful for both married and single people in thinking through these things further, and in learning how we need each other.

Conclusion

What began as a question about divorce, Jesus uses to give his glorious vision for his people: marriage between one man and one woman for life, and single people, together in his church—both equally valued, cherished, honoured, and needed.

Let us hear and accept what Jesus says.

Father, we praise you that you are making a new people through the death and resurrection of your Son. We pray for humility to listen, to hear, to trust, and to follow your Son's teaching, even when we find it hard. We pray for your grace and help—whether we are single, married, wanting to be married, or in marriages that are hard. As your people, strengthen us to serve, encourage, and build each other up, and to live for you. Amen.