Managing Conflict

In This Life You Will Have Trouble

There are two train stations between Bolton, where I live, and Salford Central. If I catch the train, it's really quick — only two stops. It's cheap too. The problem is I need to be here before 9:00 a.m., which means catching the 8:00 or quarter-past-8 train, and it's absolutely packed.

Give me a wave if you've ever been on a train, tube, or tram where you can practically taste the person next to you. It's absolutely ming.

One time I got on at Bolton and the train was already full — steam coming out, the windows all misted up. Everyone gets their phone out just to distract themselves from the fact that they're touching complete strangers. At the next stop, a lady next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I'm going to get off here, sir." I said, "Have a good day," but she didn't move. Then she pointed down at her foot — which I had been standing on for the entire ten-minute journey.

She was at the avoid-it-at-all-costs end of the scale. Why would you not just say, "Excuse me, you elephant, get off my foot"? But no — she was just going to wait it out.

And it made me realise: conflict is one of those things you can get better at.

We started this series with the words of Jesus:

In this life you will have trouble. But take heart, because I have overcome.

For three weeks we're looking at relationships, because we know — not only in our church but including our church, plus in your house, your job, your marriage, your relationship with your kids — you will have trouble. But Jesus has overcome.

• Last week, Pastor Glyn introduced the series with a C-word: commitment.
• This week, we're looking at another C-word: conflict.
• In two weeks, Pastor Glyn returns to speak about communication.

Lifting the Bonnet on Conflict

Give me a wave if your entire school of mechanics is that when your car makes a noise while driving, you just turn the radio up. No idea what the noise is or what the warning lights mean. Have you ever thumbed through that instruction manual in the glove box? It tells you what all the lights mean — but it's thick and makes no sense.

Here's the thing: if you don't understand something, or at least grow in your understanding of it, it will always seem like a mystery. You'll feel helpless, and your relationships could be heading for a car crash — one that could have been avoided.

The Bible tells us to gain understanding at all costs:

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

So in this series, we're going to pause life for a minute. Pull onto the hard shoulder and look at the engine — the hidden things under the surface. Because when you get even a little understanding, then when there's a problem, a noise, a flashing light, instead of panicking and crashing, you can say, "It's all right. I understand what this is."

Apply the Word to Yourself First

The truth is, especially with today's message, it's really easy to apply the Word of God to someone else. Come on — you've already texted someone saying, "You need to be in the next service."

When we read the Bible, it's easy to picture ourselves in the shoes of Jesus. "Yeah, I'd be Jesus in this story." No — most of the time we're probably the disciples, getting it wrong and making mistakes.

So I want to challenge you: for the next 15 minutes or so, would you apply the Word of God to your life first?

Five Things About Conflict

1. It's inevitable. Jesus said, "In this life you will have trouble." So we can stop pretending or getting disappointed when life isn't smooth sailing, especially in relationships. Jesus promised you will have trials and sorrow.

2. It's not all bad. If it's inevitable, it can't be all bad — because Jesus overcame, and we're overcomers in him. So there must be something we can get from it.

3. It serves a purpose. You don't get into much conflict with people you don't care about. It tends to be your family who wind you up the most. The irritation of a grain of sand forms a pearl. Diamonds are formed over time under pressure. Oil comes from the crushing of an olive. The stress and intense heat that welds two things together means they can rarely be separated afterwards.

When you go through something with someone — especially conflict — it changes your relationship. Afterwards you say, "We'll always have that. Remember when we came toe-to-toe, and in the end we laughed and cried and made up?"

4. It's powerful. The Bible says the tongue has the power of life and death.

5. It's something to master. I called this message Managing Conflict, but really it should be called Mastering Conflict. It takes 10,000 hours to become a master at something. You want 10,000 hours arguing? Some of you are already there.

The Hard Work of Getting Along

Here's how The Message paraphrases James chapter 3:

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced... You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoys its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

This is about this church, your house, your office, your kids, your spouse — your whole relational network, as colourful, wonderful, and turbulent as it is.

Mastering conflict is determining which things are worth fighting over and which are worth getting over — because we often get them the wrong way round. We fight when we should chill, and we chill when there's something meaningful worth fighting for.

It happened to Jesus. In the garden he said to his disciples, "Pray with me — this is the time to fight, boys, on your knees." And they all fell asleep. Then when they came to arrest Jesus, Peter started swinging a sword, chopping ears off. Jesus is thinking, "I needed you to fight before and chill now — you've got it the wrong way round."

Some things are worth fighting over. But some things, for the sake of the communities we're building with the Holy Spirit's help, are worth getting over.

It's Not a "Me and You" Problem

If we understand how conflict works — some of the ingredients that are unseen, under the surface — we'll often draw a different conclusion. We don't have a me and you problem. We've got a problem under the surface.

If you have conflict with a person, it could be another problem masquerading as a you-and-them problem. Throughout history we've seen people forgive the most heinous things, and yet here we are saying, "Me and you have got a problem." Let's just lift the bonnet and look at the engine before your relationships end in a car crash.

Having been in church leadership for 30 years, I've observed that whenever there's a conflict, one — if not two or all three — of these things is usually under the surface.

1. An Expectations Problem

What's lurking under the surface may not be a me-and-you problem — it may be an expectations problem. Expectations cause trouble in one of two ways: when they're unspoken or unrealistic.

When we get hurt in a previous relationship, we bring unrealistic expectations into the new one. "That one didn't work, so this one's going to be perfect."

If you came to this church from another church, let me help manage your expectations: we are imperfect. We're doing our best, God is helping us, and you are helping us. But if your expectation is that the pastors will never make a mistake, you're going to be disappointed — and we're going to have a problem. But it's not a me-and-you problem. It's an expectations problem.

Then there are unspoken expectations. Have you ever had someone come and apologise for having a problem with you for months — and you didn't even know?

Back in the day they used to do this in communion: "If anyone has a problem with a brother or sister, this is the time to go and sort it out." People would come up and say, "I've had a problem with you for six months, and I'm really sorry." And I'd think, "I thought we were good!"

Expectations can kill gratitude, because you're rarely grateful for something you expected. If I lend Andy a tenner and he gives it back, I don't say, "Mate, thanks so much, what a kind person." I expected it back.

It becomes a problem when we keep our expectations up high and our faith in people down low. That massive gap between what we expect and what we actually believe they'll deliver — that's the problem.

2. An Emotions Problem

Let me say this clearly: the Holy Spirit will not suppress your emotions. He's not going to control you or make you a robot. God made you with emotions; when you become a Christian you don't remove them. But the Holy Spirit, with gentle working in your life, helps you regulate your emotions.

Scientists tell us we have what are commonly called mirror neurons. They help us with empathy and connection. When you see someone laughing, you start laughing — you don't even know why. When you see someone crying, your face changes. When you see a baby, everyone goes "Hello, hello," trying to fire those neurons to get a smile.

That's good — it helps us connect. But if we don't regulate our emotions with the Holy Spirit's help, we can get into what I call emotional poker, where you start off with something and nothing, but because of someone's perceived tone or facial expression, you stop arguing about the thing and start arguing about the argument.

It goes like this. Adam comes in tired and is a bit dismissive when I say hi. So I go, "Oh, I see you're dismissive," and I raise you a bit of a bad attitude. He thinks, "What's his problem?" — and raises me a sharp comment. He says something cutting about my shiny bald head. I recall that three weeks ago he didn't reply to my text. He then pulls out a laminated sheet of every problem he's had with me over the last six months. And we go, "I raise you, I raise you" — until we're at volcano level and can't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place.

This is subconscious. You might be thinking, "Not me, brother" — but if you're saying "Not me, it's you," that might be exactly it. Sometimes we don't have a me-and-you problem. We have an emotions problem. We can't just leave our emotions at the cross — they're part of who we are. But we do need the Holy Spirit's help to regulate them.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

Next time someone's raging behind you because you cut in front of them and they pull up alongside, just mouth, "Sorry." It's amazing how powerful it is. The Bible is teaching us that you can either wind up to a volcanic eruption or wind down to a peaceful level. It's actually up to you — you just need the Holy Spirit's help.

3. External Projection

This is where you're having a conflict with a person, but the conflict has nothing to do with that person. Some internal conflict is happening inside you — or inside them — and we project it externally onto somebody else. Before you know it, we're arguing about something that's got nothing to do with each other.

We like to be judged by our intentions, while judging everyone else by their actions. If I'm tired or in a bad mood — say I stayed up to the end of extra time — subconsciously I expect people to give me a break. "I'm allowed one day where I'm not the life and soul." That's got nothing to do with George, but I'm projecting it onto George, who doesn't even know.

Then flip it around: George is tired and snaps at me, and I think, "How dare he." He says, "I didn't mean it that way." And I say, "Well, that's the way I heard it." That's external projection.

The truth is, Christ has overcome. Whatever conflict is going on in your heart does not have to stop you building meaningful relationships on the outside. In fact, you've been placed in a community where you can be vulnerable and honest about your internal conflict. Instead of projecting it onto others, you can invite them in: "Hey, can you help me with this? Will you pray with me? Will you pray for me as I walk through this?"

Three Rules for Treating People

The Bible gives us an escalating standard for how to treat one another:

1. The general rule (Old Testament, Leviticus): Treat others how they treat you.
2. The golden rule (New Testament): Treat others as you would like to be treated.
3. The platinum rule (Ephesians): Treat others how Christ treats the church.

Imagine that. Imagine that community.