The Friends You Need to Thrive

Introduction: A Life Marked by Friendship

I would love to speak today on the title, The Friends You Need to Thrive.

I received the very sad news a few weeks ago that one of my senior colleagues from when I was a barrister — a friend, a really inspiring guy — very sadly died in his 50s after battling illness for a few years. He wasn't what I would describe as overtly a person of faith; I don't think it was in his top five priorities. But in the last few years of his life, the church became very important to him. I was very moved to hear that in his final weeks, he had taken to singing hymns at the top of his voice wherever he was — so loudly that his neighbours would bang on the walls and ask him to stop.

He left behind six wonderful children, two of them quite young. At the eulogy, a mutual friend looked at those children and said, "Your father had many friends, and we will be here for you whenever you need and whatever you need."

I've been thinking a lot about friendship since then. One of my hopes for this season is that people would look at the church and say, "There is no better place on the face of the earth to find and forge and keep great friendships than in a local church." What if the most significant thing you do with your whole life is not an achievement you attain, but a friendship you forge?

I want to talk today from the Proverbs — distilled, rarified, condensed wisdom that has survived for millennia — about the friends you need to thrive.

Friendships Are Significant

"Walk with the wise and you will become wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." (Proverbs 13:20)

Friends are highly influential in every aspect of your life. Studies show that the quality of your friendships directly impacts your resilience — physical, psychological, and even physiological. A meta-study of 148 independent medical studies found that the impact of friendship can be traced even on a cellular level, comparable in effect (for better or worse) to smoking or drinking. Good friendships increase protection from disease, reduce acute stress, and even reduce the likelihood of catching a cold.

In a culture marked by polarization, division, and digital separation, the skill of finding and forging great friendships has never been more vital — and never more challenged. In Western culture we tend to overvalue romantic relationships and work, leaving friendship on the back burner. In Eastern cultures it's often work and family that take priority, with friendship again neglected.

As C.S. Lewis said:

"Friendship doesn't necessarily have survival value, but it gives value to survival."

The statistics are concerning. Around 18% of men say they have no close friend (compared to 12% of women). Nearly a quarter of women and 30% of men report loneliness. Over the last two and a half decades there's been a three-fold increase in people who say they have no one in their life they can confide in.

We need friendship more than ever, but it can feel harder to forge — so we must be intentional. Friendships multiply joys and divide sorrows. They have a dynamic power to influence every area of your life, and the most significant influence in your life is likely the friends around you. Your friends are, right now, making you wiser or more foolish — there's no in-between.

A Lesson from Freshers' Week

I was struck by this in my first week at university. On my very first night, I got chatting with some "cool" second and third years in the college bar, cracked a few jokes, and was swept along with them to bar after bar. I thought, I am set for university.

I came home around 3:30am — only to be woken at 8am by serious-looking college officials. Outside my door were four or five empty fire extinguishers that had been set off in the night. I protested my innocence with what I thought was a brilliant argument: "If I had let off five fire extinguishers in the night, the one place I wouldn't have left them is outside my own front door."

In that moment I realised two things: I should probably be a criminal defence barrister — and I needed better friends. I'd known these guys six hours and they'd nearly got me into serious trouble. Don't be friends with foolish people. They will rub off on you.

Friendships Are Shock Absorbers

"A person of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24)

Our capacity for friendship has apparently increased — it's easier than ever to "friend" or follow someone digitally. But it's harder than ever to deepen a friendship that will be there through thick and thin. Family have an obligation to stand by you; friends choose to. That's what makes a true friend so powerful — they step in out of choice, not obligation.

As someone once said: "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

I faced a crisis a number of years ago and felt very alone. I called one friend, and though he was busy, he gave me ten minutes and I felt better. There was another friend I admired too much to call — I felt awkward showing vulnerability. But a couple of hours later, to my astonishment, he phoned me, having heard I was having a hard day. In ten minutes he completely reframed how I felt about the crisis.　

Success breeds many companions — people want to be near you when you're doing well. But failure filters your friends, because it's harder for them to stay close. Crises are a litmus test for friendship.

Friendships Are a Springboard

"The pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice." (Proverbs 27:9)

It's good to have people who comfort you, but you also need people who encourage you — who see your strengths and aren't threatened by them, who cheer you on and believe there's more in you. When things go well in your life, listen for a moment: if your friends go silent, that's not always a good sign. Some people feel threatened by your success. What you want are friends who are not worried that your light shining brighter dims theirs — friends who are for you.

C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien

One of my favourite examples is from this very city — Lewis and Tolkien. Lewis was a prolific writer with huge popular success, and it would have been easy for Tolkien to feel threatened and withdraw. Instead, he supported, listened, and encouraged — even encouraging Lewis toward faith. And Lewis, in turn, never dismissed Tolkien despite his own success.

Tolkien said of Lewis:

"He was for long my only audience. Only from him did I ever get the idea that my stuff could be more than just a little hobby. But for his unceasing eagerness for more, I should never have completed The Lord of the Rings."

You need people who are your springboard — who want you to succeed.

Friendships Are Sincere

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)

Good friends sharpen how you think, live, and speak. With a friend, you can think out loud. In modern life we're constantly editing and moderating our thoughts to avoid offending anyone — which is good in some ways, but it can mean we barely know what we really think because we've never articulated it. You need people you can speak truth to and hear truth from.

True friends have decided that offense is an event, and being offended is a decision — they choose not to take offense because they love you and know your whole life, not just one clumsy word. As C.S. Lewis said:

"People need a large graveyard to bury the faults of their friends."

Faithful Wounds

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:6)

Wounds from a friend feel cruel but are kind; kisses from an enemy feel kind but are cruel. Some people flatter you to obscure your faults so you trip up elsewhere. A friend, speaking truth in love, will tell you how things really are.

When I was in my 20s, a wonderful vicar named Andy noticed that I was quick of speech — sometimes reckless, throwing out jokes that could land harshly. He gave me a book called Your Words Have Power, about taming the tongue. I thought at first, do you really think I'm that bad? But I've read that book three times since — because he loved me enough to expose a blind spot before it tripped me up.　　

You need people who tell you what you don't want to hear — not just anyone pointing out your faults (that's what exes are for), but a friend who confronts you to your face and defends you behind your back. Who do you have in your life that you trust enough to wound you from time to time?

Finding, Forging, and Keeping Great Friends

Friendships can't be forced or demanded — they have to be found and discovered. Enemies stand facing each other, far apart, distrustful. Lovers stand face to face, captivated by each other. But friendships, as C.S. Lewis observed, are forged side by side — two people looking together at the same truth, sharing the same passion, committed to the same quest. We're not staring at each other, analysing the friendship; we're both captivated by something bigger — by Jesus, by a shared calling.　

This is why the church should be the best friendship-forming environment on the face of the earth. If you've found this church a hard place to find friends, I'm sorry — please forgive us; we want to do better. I want this to be a season where we prioritise friendship, becoming a place where people find it easier than anywhere else to forge friendships across ethnicity, nationality, background, and life stage — united in Jesus, diverse in every other way. That is a powerful testimony to a world that assumes you can only be friends with people just like you.

Forged, Not Forgotten

Tim Keller said we all say we want community — desperately — but when it costs our comfort and convenience, we often run the other way. Aristotle said it takes ten bags of salt to make a friend — not literally, but because friendship requires shared meals, shared time, sacrifice.

I have a friend, a senior KC, and over eight years we've probably shared ten bags of salt over steak and chips together. He has a phrase: "Friends are the people you waste time with." Not because friendship is instrumental or a cost-benefit calculation, but because something matters more than the to-do list.

The way to find great friends is to be a great friend.

Jesus, the Friend Who Laid Down His Life

Jesus said in John 15:

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends."

Jesus came to make you friends — friends with God, and friends with each other. You were saved from something when you encountered Jesus, but you were also saved for something: friendship. Your discipleship is not primarily about the extent of your knowledge; it's about the depth of the flourishing of your friendships.

Jesus was willing to stand in harm's way for his friends:

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

And he laid down his life on the cross. He told his friends they would do even greater things than he did — he wasn't threatened by them outshining him. He rejoiced with exceeding great joy when his followers began to see the kingdom of God expand. He spoke truth in love, even risking friendship, so his friends wouldn't miss their calling. And there was nothing conditional about his friendship — it took him all the way to the cross.

In my experience, the more you receive the friendship of Jesus, the more you're able to take your eyes off your own needs, because you know your heavenly friend has you — and so you can pour out your life to be a friend in need to those around you.

You need great friends. You need friends. And I pray this becomes a season where we find, forge, and keep friendships that speak powerfully to the people around us and to this city, in Jesus' name. Amen.